brb crying

039: we live in time, modern love, & the people who change us

• nins & arns

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 59:10

This week, we explore the people who quietly change our lives—and the fleeting moments we wish could last forever.

Arns reflects on We Live in Time (2024), starring Florence Pugh and Andrew Garfield, and why this devastatingly beautiful film about love, mortality, grief, and the passage of time left her in tears. We unpack what it means to love fully even when life offers no guarantees.

Nins brings us to one of Modern Love's most beloved stories, "When the Doorman Is Your Main Man," a moving reminder that family isn't always biological and that some of life's most meaningful relationships come from unexpected places.

From romantic love to found family, this episode explores friendship, loneliness, vulnerability, emotional healing, community, and the people who make life feel a little less lonely.

To all our crybabies who have ever been changed by a movie, a stranger, a friendship, or a love that arrived when you needed it most: this one's for you.

In this episode:

  • We Live in Time (2024)
  • Florence Pugh & Andrew Garfield
  • Modern Love
  • Found family and chosen family
  • Love and mortality
  • Friendship and human connection
  • Loneliness and belonging
  • Emotional healing and vulnerability

0:00 - Preview
0:30 - Intro
0:53 - Welcome to our new studio!
3:12 - Viral on TikTok
5:48 - Arns: We Live in Time
30:19 - Nins: Modern Love doorman story
57:16 - Outro

Referenced in this episode:

Two NYT articles by David Jones, the editor of modern Love: 

Join the brb crying community—a heartfelt, cozy comedy podcast about friendship, vulnerability, emotional storytelling, and all the movies, books, music, and life experiences that leave us in tears.

Follow us:
» Instagram: @brbcrying.podcast
» TikTok: @brbcrying.podcast
» YouTube: @brbcrying.podcast

Want episode recaps, behind-the-scenes/community updates, and occasional emotional damage delivered straight to your inbox? Sign up for our newsletter at brbcryingpodcast.com.

Have a sob story or cry recommendation that absolutely wrecked you? We'd love to be wrecked, too. Submit your story at brbcryingpodcast.com or email us at hello@brbcryingpodcast.com.

brb crying—hosted by longtime best friends Nins & Arns—is a podcast where we explore the songs, books, TV shows, films, pop culture moments, and personal stories that help us laugh, cry, heal, and feel a little less alone. Crying is our superpower, and by sharing what makes us cry in a way that makes us laugh, we show how crying helps us connect with ourselves and each other.

Preview

SPEAKER_04

I never watched Midsummer. I don't like horror. Uh-huh. Didn't know that this was the real horror movie. Oh, okay. Because by the end, I couldn't breathe.

SPEAKER_05

And we're kind of just stuck in this, like, I'm alone, like, no one cares. But it's like, actually, I could probably pick hundreds of people that are around you that would care. You just have to open your eyes to it.

SPEAKER_01

It was light. It was light. I'm so glad you went first because mine is really light.

Intro

SPEAKER_01

This is BRB Crying.

SPEAKER_04

Hello, everyone. Welcome back to BRB Crying. I'm Ariana. And I'm Angela, also known as Ninz.

SPEAKER_05

Anne. And welcome to our pod.

Welcome to our new studio!

SPEAKER_05

Yes. Welcome. Welcome. To the new gorgeous, stunning, elevated, chic, fabulous little studio that we have.

SPEAKER_04

Yes, we upgraded it a little bit because it was time. We're moving on up. Yeah. It was time to not have glaring lights with zero diffusion, you know, just like really harsh on our faces. So.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. Listen, we're just two girls at the end of it all. Yeah. Googling fiercely how to make a podcast.

SPEAKER_04

Oh man. This lighting setup. I went down the I know way too much. I know way too much about lighting now. But that's how it goes when That's how it goes.

SPEAKER_05

You run your own shit, right? When you are making your dreams come true. Yeah. You just learn a lot of stuff along the way. Unfortunately, yeah. So um thanks for joining us. Enjoy the aesthetics. Yeah. We worked really hard for it.

SPEAKER_04

I know that that's not the most important part because the most important part is the fact that we're funny and like thoughtful and magnetic. And we have these heartwarming conversations where we talk about things that make us cry. Oh, sorry. That's Oh, that stole my line.

SPEAKER_05

So, what is this podcast about? Um, well, what did she say?

SPEAKER_04

I don't know. Talk about things that make us cry. That is what we do. That is why we're here. Did you know? Yeah. Oh, uh, if you're new here, welcome. Cry baby. If you're old here, welcome back. Ya oldy. Ya oldie. You probably are the ones who notice this, this elevated, and you're probably really appreciating it the way we are.

SPEAKER_05

So yeah, we did this for you. Yeah. Yeah. I'm liking it. Nice and cozy. Yeah, nice and cozy.

SPEAKER_04

Before we get into it, let's plug ourselves. Follow us at beerbcrying.podcast on all socials. If you want to see what we're up to, that's where we do all our announcements, all our real-time events, in-person stuff, any collabs that we're doing. So follow along there, especially on Instagram. TikTok, um, it's a

Viral on TikTok

SPEAKER_04

little more unhinged, but in a great way. We just post lots of things, you know, go a little viral sometimes. I don't know.

SPEAKER_05

Um, you guys, I not that you can see this. Yes. But the comments that I leave on other people's TikToks, can I just say please tell them? They go fucking viral. Yeah. The one with the almost 30,000. The one that has more than 30,000 likes already. And it's like, okay, what do I do with this? You just feel really good about it. You just feel really good about it. I think it brings some traffic to our page. Like, I do see that the profile views have increased.

SPEAKER_06

Whereas the follows, but that's that's that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_04

No, but it's like, oh, I'm funny. It's like I like to think that it's kind of like, well, this is why we're fucking here. To like say funny things, you know. The comment was really funny though. Yeah, it was. They're always funny. They're always funny.

SPEAKER_05

You know what? If you're curious to know what the comment was, just scour every video on TikTok until you find my comment.

SPEAKER_04

That is probably the most efficient way, I would agree. Um, but yeah, so follow us on all socials, and maybe one day you'll come across one of Ninz's viral comments. But also, if you want us to watch or read something that made you cry, and you also want us to shed those tears, then send us a message on our website, beerbecryingpodcast.com, or you can uh DM us, or you can email us hello at beerbcryingpodcast.com. Also, share us with your family, friends, coworkers. They value your opinion so much.

SPEAKER_05

More than ours, actually. Yeah. So if you like us, tell someone about it. Yep. See what that could do. For us. For us, yeah. Um, yeah, as always, really, really appreciate any sort of engagement all of our crybabies give us. We started off small, we are growing. We have this new beautiful studio. We have this vigor. Yeah, yeah. Ready. Yeah. We're fucking locked in.

SPEAKER_04

Bro, okay. Fuck it. 2026. It's the year. Let me fucking tell you. Come back to this at the end of 2026 or beginning of 2027, and like truly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, that's what we got. That's all we fucking got. Okay. All right. Get your tissues ready. Let's do this. Let's do it.

SPEAKER_04

I think I'm going for

Arns: We Live in Time

SPEAKER_04

Oh god, I'm so glad you're going first. Oh, I was like, is yours like really? Oh no, no. Okay, okay. Mine's mine's fine. You're mine is fine. You're tired. Uh. What happened? What's going on?

SPEAKER_05

Nothing really. I'm just, it's early. Yeah, it is. A little early. Yeah. You can't tell though because of the lighting in our studio. Yeah, what dark circles? Alright.

SPEAKER_04

So today, we're getting a little down in the dumps. Okay. Okay, do you ever get a bunch of people telling you to watch or read something?

SPEAKER_06

They're like, oh, it ruined me, blah, blah, blah.

SPEAKER_04

And then, like, so you add it to your list, but then you never get around to it because you're like, oh my God, I'm not ready. It's gonna ruin you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're doing one of those today. Okay, okay. Today I'm gonna be talking about the film. Oh We Live in Time. We live in Time.

SPEAKER_05

Have you watched this? Is that the one with Tell me what you yeah, tell me the cute guy. Um second Spider-Man. Yes. What's his name?

SPEAKER_04

Andrew. Andrew, I love you.

SPEAKER_05

Biggest fan. And do you know? And Emma Stone.

unknown

Is it Emma Stone?

SPEAKER_03

In Spider-Man. That was his.

SPEAKER_05

That was Oh.

SPEAKER_04

Wait, who's who's the girl in this one? Yeah. Let me say my story. Don't come at me when you have a hard time editing this.

SPEAKER_06

You guys! You guys.

SPEAKER_04

Like I like I'd have to Google it. Like, oh, I don't know. Florence. Okay, okay. God damn it. Well, you asked me what I knew about it. Okay, I remember Andrew Garfield. Okay. Okay. And Florence P. Uh Florence P. Florence P. Florence Pu. Okay, so before I get into it, I love Florence so much. I fucking love Florence Pah. Okay. I never watched Midsummer. Did you watch it? I didn't. I don't like horror. Uh-huh. Didn't know that this was the real horror movie. Oh, okay. Okay. Because by the end, I couldn't breathe. Okay. I was gasping for air. It was like that. It was like that. We used to rate from a scale of one to ten. You remember.

SPEAKER_05

Got too hard. Never talked about like how we just completely fell off rating it. We used to rate our topic. We'd be like, oh, this was a seven out of ten cry. And then both just completely disregarded.

SPEAKER_04

Couldn't be bothered. But this one was pretty high. This one was pretty high. Okay, okay. Probably like an eight. Okay. Because I'm gonna I'm gonna arbitrarily bring back the rating system just whenever I want. Okay. So, spoiler alert before I get into this, clearly you haven't watched us watched. Okay, okay. So I'm gonna be sharing a good amount of plot. Okay. Explaining scenes in detail. So if you are listening, watching, you don't like knowing anything like me, stop. Just don't even don't even listen. Don't even watch. Rate us first. Yeah, rate us. Rate us five stars, but then don't watch the episode. And then then watch the movie and then come back and watch it. Okay. All right. So We Live in Time. It's a 2024 film starring Florence Pugh and R. Andrew Garfield. Written by Nick Payne and directed by John Crowley. It is an A24 film. So you know they're gonna fuck with you a little bit. And also, before I get into this, I also want to preface it with I really struggled just writing all the context while trying to retain even an ounce of this film's magic. So after a lot of writing and deleting, I decided to just like stop overthinking it and I'm just gonna share the film the way I experienced it. Which is why I'm gonna start with the opening scene. This is what we're doing. We're just gonna walk through the scenes. Okay, so we're somewhere in the English countryside. A stunning, perfect, beautiful woman, Florence Pugh. She's running on a trail, foraging herbs on the side of the road. She comes back home, she whips up this delightful little treat, and then wakes up her partner, Andrew Garfield, to make him taste her creation. And it's warm and cozy and romantic. And me not knowing anything, because I I love being blindsided, I'm like snuggling the fuck in. I'm like, oh, this is gonna be so okay. Next scene, this same woman, very pregnant, completely different haircut, on the toilet, like laboring, having contractions. So I was like, oh, okay. Next scene. This same woman, not pregnant anymore, different hair again. She's working in the kitchen of a restaurant. She's clearly the head chef, like boss bitch, energy, you know, like and then we watch her double over in pain. And then the next scene, she and her partner are seated in front of a doctor who is saying, We recommend chemo, followed by surgery. Stop the movie. Just no and they're sitting there in stunned silence. So within the first six minutes of this film, we gather two very important points: nonlinear storytelling. So, like just a really heart-wrenching British 500 days of summer. And then point number two, this woman is dying. And it will probably be a really tragic ending. But as we find out, the ending might actually be the least interesting part of their story. Okay, so after those first six minutes, we discover this woman is named Almet. And her partner is Tobias. In present day, Almet is sick. When she's given the diagnosis, the doctor says she can do chemo and surgery. Hopefully it'll work out. But after the appointment, she says to him, What if I told you I'm not sure I know how to go through that all over again? So we also immediately know that this is a recurrence. So I'm just gonna We're gonna jump right in. I'm gonna show you a scene, and in this scene, they are walking back to their car right after their doctor's appointment, and they're trying to grapple with the news.

SPEAKER_02

I know.

SPEAKER_04

I'm really sorry I'm putting you through this. I don't need to fucking watch this movie. I'm telling you, this is why it took me so long to get to it, you know? In this scene, Almet says, let's just say it all goes to plan, and in six to eight months or whatever it is, I receive the all clear and it's great. And Tobias is like, Yeah, like great. She says, but what happens if it doesn't? All of a sudden you're in this weird position where instead of making the most of these six, seven, eight, maybe nine months, all you did was go bald and puke your guts up. And then Tobias says, So what you're saying is in that scenario, it's more about quality than quantity. To which she says, I'm saying I'm not exactly interested in a treatment plan that accidentally wastes our time. That's how we open up this film. Let's stand the tone a little bit.

SPEAKER_05

Also, the acting Andrew, this is why I'm Andrew's biggest fan. The way his eyes just glazed over very subtly.

SPEAKER_04

It's crazy. And what I love about both of them is they're so real. Like, you know how sometimes when you watch something, you're like, no one would ever talk like that in real life. It's like, no, I I'm watching two people actually having this conversation.

unknown

God.

SPEAKER_04

Okay, so after the scene, we were brought to the very beginning where we find out that Tobias is divorced, working at this really lifeless corporate job. And while he's traveling for work, in this really insane turn of events, he gets hit by a car. Oh. Only to wake up in a neck brace seated across from the driver who hit him. Her name is Almet. Oh. And despite him being in a neck brace and looking like the fucking pits, they kind of hit it off and decide to grab a meal and a diner together. Almet is everything his life is missing. She's colorful, whimsical, unpredictable, and he's a little bit more reserved and measured and kind and gentle. She is a chef about to open up her own restaurant, and she invites him to the grand opening. So he goes, and the rest is history. Over the course of the film, we watch their love story unfold, and it jumps from moment to moment to moment. You know, walking through the park with coffees in hand, Almet teaching Tobias the best way to crack an egg. That's like the most iconic scene. It's in, I think, like every trailer. Okay. Um, getting pregnant. How? Yeah, actually, um, I I didn't know this. It's not how I'd get pregnant. How you crack an egg. You're supposed to like crack them in a separate bowl, and then you pour it's a whole I'm sure there's like symbolism, and then you pour. Some are watching this movie. Yeah, you you Oh my god, wait, as I'm saying it, I understand. Oh, is it symbolic?

SPEAKER_06

Oh my god. You're supposed to crack the egg in a bowl, and then you add it to the other eggs that you've already cracked. Okay. Because you don't want to get shells.

SPEAKER_03

It's easier to fish the shells out of the one bowl with the one egg than fishing it out of the big bowl. Okay. That's so fucked up. Um, oh my god. What the okay, so so we watched them, you know, they get pregnant, birth a child, they find out Almoth's cancer has come back. And the premise of the film is obviously heartbreaking.

SPEAKER_04

But between the sadness and the despair, there is also so much joy and laughter and all these kind of everyday moments. There's a scene. I thought about showing it to you, and I was like, it would just be for fucking shits and giggles. There's a scene where she's like, she goes into labor and they have to like pack up all their stuff, like get in the car. But the cars in front and behind them, they're parallel parked on the curb, like, are too close. So he's like, it's like a fucking 20-point turn.

SPEAKER_07

I think I saw this one in the trailer. This is in the trailer too, right? Okay, I'm pretty sure.

SPEAKER_04

So then he just fucking like, all right, let's let's go, dude. It's crazy. It's like, it's so dumb and so funny. But then it's also just so nice because we're reminded that like all these everyday moments are just as important as you know these heavier life-altering ones. Okay, so speaking of a heavier life-altering moment, I am gonna again jump right in to one of the scenes.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. Brace yourself. Brace. So Almet and Tobias are having a huge argument because despite being sick, Almet has secretly been training for a world-renowned cooking competition behind her family's back. And in that whole rush of the training and whatever, she forgot to pick up their daughter, Ella, from school.

SPEAKER_02

So Tobias is livid.

SPEAKER_04

So, in this scene, Almond and Tobias are having this screaming match while their daughter sleeps. Tobias wants to understand why on earth she would risk her health to enter this cooking competition. And in the midst of this argument, Almet says, Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don't want to just be someone's dead fucking mom? Nothing terrifies me more than the thought of having her having nothing whatsoever to remember me by. And wouldn't it be quite the thing if maybe one day she decided to look back on this time, she actually chose to look back on this entire godforsaken episode and thought, wow, that's my mom. So in this scene, we feel Tobias' frustration as a partner. You know, we're witnessing the person you love deteriorate before your eyes, and you're trying to do everything you can for them, and then you find out that they're not also trying to do everything they can for themselves. And at the same time, we get a glimpse into what it's like for Almet to be dying, but to still want to live for something and to be someone. No one is necessarily right or wrong in the situation. They just both feel what they feel. It's just this I think this moment of realization that when someone is sick, it's so much more complex than just the physical sickness and deterioration itself. It's navigating all those messy moments in between two. So there are a lot of scenes I wish I could show you. But at that point, like I would literally, we would sit down for like an hour, 49 minutes, and we would just watch the whole movie. Like if I could really have it my way. But I'm just gonna resist and show you one more clip. These are actually two different scenes that I decided I wanted to show you. But then when I was like looking for them, you know it's nonlinear, so you're gonna have to like go. It turns out they were like right after one another. So in the first scene, Almond and Tobias have had a really big fight. This is like early in their relationship. I don't think they're quite dating yet, but they're obviously like super into each other. But they had a really big fight because Tobias is like, I want a kid, and it's kind of a deal breaker. And she's like, Whoa, your face. Yeah, she's literally the quote, back the fuck off and calm the fuck down, is what she says. So he storms out and they haven't talked since. And you know, time is a construct, especially in this movie, so who knows how much time has passed. But we see him kind of like lingering, like passing her restaurant and stuff, like looking at it from afar. So he obviously misses her, and so he decides to come up to her house and apologize. And then we're just gonna jump into the scene after.

unknown

Okay.

SPEAKER_04

Oh my god! I just realized I haven't been saying the time markers. Um, so for the scene with the diagnosis and in the parking garage when they're having that conversation, that's at 8 20. And then the scene where they have their big argument is at 1.25.

SPEAKER_02

And this last little clip I'm gonna show you is at the 46 minute mark. Wrap it up. Don't worry, I'm fucking getting there.

SPEAKER_04

I am getting there. Okay, so in this first scene, Tobias shows up at Almott's place and she happens to be hosting a baby shower. And, you know, clearly he's been thinking about her and missing her, and in his apology, he says, I was guilty of focusing on the wrong thing aspect, looking ahead instead of right in front of me at you. And then this leads straight into another scene many, many years later. Almet, Tobias, and their daughter Ella are in their beautiful lush garden right outside their home. Almet is going through chemo again, so Tobias is shaving her head. By the way, this was real. Like in real time, they were like, okay, we only got one shot to do this. So he's really shaving her head, and when they finish, Ella says to her mom, You look beautiful. And uh it's this moment that should be shrouded in misery, and yet the sun is shining, there's warmth, there's laughter, you can almost like feel the the breeze. And to me, these two scen perfectly capture what this entire film is about. Because up until this point, I was gripping the edge of my seat. I was just waiting for the inevitable tragic ending. But then Tobias says that line, I was guilty of focusing on the wrong thing, looking ahead instead of right in front of me. And I realized that in bracing myself for the ugly, I was missing the beauty in each scene. I think that just like in this film, our lives are really just a bunch of moments strung together. And we could race to the end and see what lies there. Or we can take each day, each moment, and see it as the gift that it is. We can't stop the hurt that will inevitably come. We can't force a fairy tale ending where the person who's dying has this miraculous comeback. But we can be brave. We can do hard things. We can look at these stories that we know ends in heartbreak and we can let our hearts be broken anyway. We can take a deep breath, like you did many times, and then we can sit through it, maybe even enjoy it, but trust that it'll be okay in the end. Because like we always say, it's a gift to feel. It's a gift to wade through the pain and find love and beauty anyway. Uh it seems insane that we willingly watch these tragic stories unfold on the big screen. Like we pay to go to the movies and we watch these stories. And in the same vein, I don't tell you that right now. I didn't either. I waited for many reasons. But in the same vein, it seems insane also. I know we talk about this a lot, to love someone who will one day be gone. But we do it anyway. Because for all its complexity and messiness and ugliness, this life and the love that we can feel are just, they're too magical to resist. Again, there's way too much to say about this film. I I like skim the fucking surface here, but I can't say it all. So I'll just end with this. I'm really proud of us. Each and every one of us, everyone who's listening and watching too, all of us who dare to be brave. You know, brave enough to dream and try and hope and suffer and love.

SPEAKER_03

It's not easy, but in fact, sometimes it's unbearable. But we do it anyway, and we keep doing it. On the surface, We Live in Time is a tragic film. But it isn't really about death or endings.

SPEAKER_04

The narrative is such that we're constantly being pulled to the now. Even when we relive their past memories, we feel all those feelings right now in this moment. And so, yes, we know this story will probably have a sad ending, just like so much that happens in our lives. But if we know how it ends, then that's not the part that matters. The part that matters is right now. That's the story worth telling. That's the story worth living.

SPEAKER_05

That's a good reminder. Because the whole time you're telling a story, I'm like, I don't want to watch it. No, exactly. Because I don't want to get to the end where I know it will fuck me up. Yeah. And then I miss all of that in between.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

I love that they put that in there like at this halfway point, you know, where you're just hey, don't forget to enjoy this. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. I mean, even that scene where she's getting her head shaved, like, yes, it's beautiful. The sun is on them, you know, they have this really sweet loving daughter. On the surface, it's like really beautiful, but you know that both Florence and Andrew are thinking about why they're really doing this and like why it hurts. Yeah. But if they didn't have to experience something so awful, they wouldn't have been able to have this moment of just joy. Yeah. Pain, suffering, joy, love. It's all like yin and yang. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

I was talking to my cousin a few weeks ago over the holidays, and he said something about how like when you're on like a spiritual journey and you're transcending or like elevating, like people think that your life is just great always and bad things don't happen to you. But really what it is is your ability to take it all in stride, right? It doesn't mean nothing bad happens to you. It's just you see it for what it is, it's all part of your experience.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. And the the heavy parts or the the sadder parts don't negate No. If anything, they reinforce all these beautiful parts. They welcome in these beautiful parts.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah. There's this other scene I did not show you. It's like this ice skating scene. I couldn't breathe. Okay. If you've watched this and you're listening, I know you fucking know what I'm talking about. Couldn't see the screen. Okay. I trust you. I I th I was thinking about this. I was like, like, I can't believe we go out and we watch these movies, right? Like we know that it's gonna fuck us up. We do it anyway. Yeah. And so many of us do it, and so many of us like connect with it too. Like it's because like this is why we're here. Yeah. You know, we are here to like have that connection, that like human experience of all the pain and the joy and everything wrapped up in one.

SPEAKER_05

I think that there's still so many of us that shut away our feelings. And art and storytelling like this, like this movie, really forces you to just let it out. And you can project and just like focus on the movie while ignoring what's happening in your real life. But at some point, your emotions need to be released. Yeah. And these are these little things that help us make it feel a little bit easier to do so.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Art, baby. Fucking art and stories. What would we be without them? That's why we're here. That's why we're here. Art. Mm-hmm. Art. Art. Stories. Shout the fuck out, Florence.

SPEAKER_04

Shout the fuck out, Florence. Andrew. Fuck me up. I mean.

SPEAKER_05

The acting, you know? Um, the fight scene with her and Andrew is she goes, stop it. You're being mean. That is like a direct line of one of her lines in Little Women.

SPEAKER_06

Oh, really?

SPEAKER_05

Yeah. I was like, whoa, taken aback. Um, plugging my little women episode. Do you know what number that is? I think it was 28. Women have minds, dog on the moon. That's what it's called. I didn't talk about Florence's story in Little Women though, but it's still worth checking out. Oh, 100%. And it deserves to be talked about. Like I just didn't. Then let's do it. You know? Let me delete what I had planned for my story today.

SPEAKER_03

We'll just keep the Florence vibes going. Florence flow, yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Ooh. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

You too, Andrew. Love you. It's so good. I think that might be one of my like favorite movies now. Really? Yeah, I know. It's weird, right? Because it was so painful. But again, it was like, oh my god, it just made me feel like it made me feel everything.

SPEAKER_05

Okay, fuck me up.

Nins: Modern Love doorman story

SPEAKER_05

No, I'm glad you went first because this is definitely a much more lighthearted one. Okay. It always works out like that. Well, I think you and I both know, like, if we're gonna go first, go with a heavy hitter. Let's go with a heavier one. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04

I that's true. I tend to reserve my heavier ones for when I'm yeah.

SPEAKER_05

Um also I wanted this one to be like a shorter one. Okay. It's still five pages. So sorry. Okay. So the other night I had dinner with some old college friends of mine, and one of them recently got engaged. Okay. Shut the fuck out, Chris. Shout out Ashley. Congrats. Congrats. So over dinner, I asked Chris to recount his proposal story. Ooh. And that led to me asking how they met and how they got together. Because you know, I fucking eat that shit up. Tell me every from the beginning. You know what I mean? Tell me her sign, you know, all of it. Well, that's to be your first question. She's Virgo. Weird. Okay.

unknown

Oh.

SPEAKER_05

Oh, what? What? That's so funny. Um, so Chris tells me that they met. You guessed it on a dating app. Let's fucking go. Did you know, um, after a quick Google, did you know that roughly 30% of couples that got married in 2025 met through an app? Nice. It is truly the modern day love story. Apps are where it's at. That's what we call modern love.

SPEAKER_00

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05

But do you know what else we call modern love?

SPEAKER_04

No. What? Tell me.

SPEAKER_05

A weekly column in the New York Times style section. Have you dabbled? No, I haven't, but I know. Well, today I'm going to be talking about a modern love essay featured in this column that was then adapted into a TV episode of the 2019 season one Modern Love series on Amazon Prime. Okay. Have you ever watched you haven't? Oh. Oh, okay. I thought you had the series? Yeah. Oh. Is there a podcast? There is a podcast. I think Andrew Garfield was. He was on. Yeah. Biggest fan. Please. I listened to that podcast episode. Okay. Okay. So you're familiar with the column at least. Okay. Yeah. That's so fun. Yeah. Let me just get through my context. Um, okay. So today we are going to be talking about When Your Doorman is your main man. Oh. Oh. Sources for today are the original essay, When Your Doorman Is Your Main Man, written by Julie Margaret Hogan, published in 2015. The Modern Love TV show, which aired in 2019, two New York Times articles by David Jones, who is the editor of Modern Love. One from 2019 entitled To Her He Was More Than a Doorman. And another from 2024 titled Where Did Modern Love Come From? He was like, the titles, we're just gonna get straight to the point of the article. Love it. You know what I mean? That's not us, but yeah. Okay, so where did Modern Love come from? Context. So, as mentioned, Modern Love is a weekly column in the New York Times styles section, which focuses on people and culture.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

SPEAKER_05

Every week, this column features a personal essay submission about love. As you can imagine, the personal essays cover a broad range of love stories from romantic fairy tales to tragic heartbreaks or dysfunctional families and lifelong friendships. No matter the story, at its core, this column serves to highlight real examples of love in all its different forms and the emotional truth and vulnerability that comes from experiencing it. The concept of modern love was developed in 2004 by Tripp Gabriel, who was the then editor of the style section, and David Jones and David Jones' wife, Kathy Hanauer. At the time, Tripp Gabriel was about seven years into his editorship of the Style Section, which does cover relationships, you know, wedding announcements, maybe some celebrity couples and so-called quote trend stories. But Tripp really wanted to showcase voice-driven personal essays. And at first, they had to solicit more established writers to submit a story about love, you know, published authors or professional journalists. But then they realized that love is something that happens to everybody. Quote, if we opened it up to everybody, we'd find fresher stories. So they took a chance with no idea how successful this would be, how long it would last, and just decided to create an email address. ModernLove at nytimes.com and waited to see what came in. Twenty years later, Modern Love has published over a thousand essays. About the authors of these essays, David Jones says some of them weren't writers at all or didn't consider themselves to be writers. But they'd read someone else's story and think, I have a story too. Love. Don't we all have a fucking story? Me personally, I have a story every two weeks. You know what I mean? So yeah, modern love has exploded into this international brand. In addition to the beloved column, collections of standout essays have been published in a book form, such as Modern Love, True Stories of Love, Lost and Redemption, which is a book I definitely checked out from my local library. There's a podcast. What? Which first started in 2016, where modern love essays are read aloud and sometimes discussed with authors and performers. So hit us up, would love to read an essay and discuss it. Here's my audition. And finally in 2019, Modern Love was adapted to a TV show when Amazon Prime picked this up as an anthology series where each episode dramatized one of its popular essays. Is that like Ma'a la Mukaya? Kind of. Shout the fuck out. Shout the fuck out. And the very first episode of this Modern Love TV show is called When Your Doorman is Your Main Man, based on the essay written by Julie Margaret Hogman and published on October 22nd, 2015.

unknown

Wow.

SPEAKER_05

The TV episode was directed by John Carson and stars Kristen Miliotti and Laurentiu Posa. I'll be focusing on the episode, but we'll definitely reference the original essay as well. So boilerplate, if you haven't watched it, please do. Really quick watch, so worth it. And then come back if you don't want spoilers, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's only 30 minutes. Okay. Every episode is really short. And it's on Amazon Prime. It's on Amazon Prime. Yeah. And then a few notes. So the author and main character of this essay is Julie, and her doorman is named Guzim. But in the show, the main character's name has been changed to Maggie, and the doorman is Guzmeen. So hopefully that doesn't get confusing as I why did they Okay. I don't know. Okay. I don't know. I get it. I get it. Whatever. So since you haven't watched this, maybe okay, I I was putting my story together and I kept referencing scenes to watch. And I was like, well, the episode is only 31 minutes long, and I'm making her watch like 16 minutes of it overall. But I think because you haven't seen it, I would love to just show you the opening, which is like five minutes, but it perfectly captures the dynamic, captures what these characters are like. So fuck it. I'm just gonna fucking make you watch this. So we are gonna watch the first five minutes of this episode. Alright. Thoughts on the vibe? Love it. Love it. Right. It's so cute.

SPEAKER_04

No, but that's see, this is how I felt when I was like, I watched that first scene of We Live in Time.

SPEAKER_05

You know, like so this episode opens up with Maggie, the main character, coming back from a date. Arnes pointed out that Maggie is played by Kristen Miliotti, who is the mom in Him Yum. We love her. Love her. So as Maggie's coming back from a date, they're a few blocks away from her apartment in the upper west side. And Maggie's like, uh, can you just kiss me here instead? And her date's like, dude, why? Do you have like some overprotective dad waiting for you out at the doorstep? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And she's like, um, no, it's just my uh my doorman, Guzmeen. It's it's kind of hard to explain. And the date is like, bro, like, what are you talking about? You're like a grown woman. So walks her back to her building and kind of makes a joke out of Guzmin, who's standing outside of their building as the doorman. And he almost kind of mocks the whole relationship and kisses Maggie right in front of him, kind of disrespectfully. And Maggie's clearly very uncomfortable. And as soon as the date leaves, Maggie walks back into her building, and Guzmine's like, I don't like him. He will never be calling you. And Maggie's like, dude, shut up, Guzmeen. Like, just let me live my life. Like, I looked so good today. I was so charming. Like, he will definitely be calling me. Um, spoiler, he never calls her again. So, yeah, this is the dynamic of Maggie's and Guzmin's relationship. Very much a father-daughter protector, protectant dynamic. In Julie's essay, she writes, Guzim was my doorman, and ours was a common and unsung friendship that between women living in New York, single and alone, and the doormen who take care of them, acting as gatekeepers, bodyguards, confidants, and father figures. The doormen who protect and deliver much more than Zappo's boxes and fresh direct, not because it's a part of the job, but because they're good men. So Guzim slash Guzmin is the definition of a good man. Born in the 1940s in Albania, Guzmin spent a majority of his life living through the traumas of the Cold War and actually spent 20 years in a labor camp before eventually making his way to America. This left him with a pretty hardened exterior, you know, stoic, not a man of many words. He never married or had kids. And yet, whenever Maggie slash Julie would ask him how he was, he'd always reply with no complaints. Maggie, on the other hand, is a single woman in New York, and she has a reputation for falling for bad boys. Quirky, charming, but unlucky in love. And after another fling with a devilishly handsome, albeit a bit dim, British bloke, whom Guzim does not approve of, a month goes by and Maggie realizes No shedding of the uterine lining this month. What could that mean? Girlie's knocked up. Enter. Panic, anxiety, dread. Maggie can't face the shame of telling her family as soon as she takes that pregnancy test. She's frantically running around her apartment like, what the fuck do I do? So who does she turn to? Let's watch this next clip. And this is at the 13 and a half minute mark, and we'll watch about a three-minute clip. So, in shock, after finding out she's pregnant, Maggie heads down to the lobby of her building and cries into the arms of Guzmine. And he holds her. Shh, okay, okay, okay. And then they settle into the couches in the lobby and talk. I can't bring a baby into this world with a man I don't love or trust. You know, a baby needs two parents, a baby needs a mom and a Dad. Gusmeen says, What conservative nonsense this is and then Maggie's like, fuck, like what are my parents gonna say? You know, should I should I just go to the clinic and you know? Gusmeen says, Who cares what your parents say the way they did things? No one is going to judge you. Do what you wish, but don't do it because you're scared. You must own your actions in life. I can't do this on my own. Gusmin says, A village brings up a child, and New York is a very great village. So they wrap up their convo, and Gusmin walks Maggie to the elevator, and Maggie turns to him and says, You've made such a big thing out of protecting me from all these bad men, and now it's like you're encouraging me to live life alone. And Guzmine reminds her, but you're no longer alone. So Maggie decides to keep this baby with very, very little involvement from the father. But you know who is there? Maggie. So let's watch this very cute string of scenes of Maggie and Gusmin during Maggie's pregnancy. And we'll watch at about the 18-20 minute mark, and we'll watch about maybe a three-minute clip. I'm telling you, we're just gonna fucking watch this whole thing. No, that's what we should have done with We Live in Time, too.

SPEAKER_02

We just sat, watched.

SPEAKER_05

Okay, so here Maggie comes home on a bicycle. Goosmin's like, what the hell are you doing? Riding a bike in your condition, like clearly very worried about her. They have a back and forth, and Maggie reaches into her purse and takes out the baby's first sonogram. You're the first person to see these. And Goosmin's lips tremble as he looks at the photo and utters, it's like a whole universe in there. And then Maggie hands him one of the photos to keep, which he then safely tucks into the pocket of his uniform. Julie says in her essay, down in the lobby, Guzim was there with no dog in the race. I wasn't his daughter, sister, or ex. I wasn't his employee or boss. Our social circles didn't overlap. Six days a week he stood downstairs, detached, but also caring enough to be the perfect friend, neither worried nor pitying. It was he who signed for the crib when it came, for the onesies, bottles, and boxes of diapers. It was he who asked how I felt every day. I saw the father every few weeks. His stance was resolute. He upheld and honored me for my choice and protected my dignity and self-esteem. I was still young, he reminded me. I could still meet a man and get married. I had a master's degree, job, savings. So what if I wasn't married? Look at the world. Worst things have happened in history. Please, we would be fine. My baby was a gift. Shortly after, Maggie gives birth to a little girl named Sarah. Beautiful, wonderful job, Guzmine says when Maggie first takes her home. And then the world keeps turning. Maggie raises this little girl in New York City over the next few years, and every day Guzmine is there to send them off or welcome them back home. When Sarah is around three, there's another night that Maggie heads down into the lobby, and Guzmine's like, oh no, not again. But let's see how this conversation actually goes. And this is at the 25 45 second minute mark. So Maggie tells Gusmin that she got a job offer, editor of a literary supplement of a magazine. Don't know what this means. That sounds big and fancy. Fantastic, Miss Mitchell. It's about time people started seeing your talent. But it's in LA. I don't know if I want to bring her up in LA. She's a New Yorker. She'll be fine. She won't be able to walk to school. It's smoggy there and it's phony. When are you leaving? Gusmeen knows her. He can see right through her. She'll miss the city and this building and you. And Guzmeen says, No complaints, Maggie. And abruptly excuses himself. And then he steps out onto the street with his back turned to Maggie so that he can compose himself. And as she walks into the elevator, you see her face crumble as the doors close. Should we just finish it? Should we just watch the there's like three minutes left. I'm just gonna show you the last scene. Oh my god. We're just watching this whole episode. It's happy. She looks so disgruntled. Okay. So immediately after the scene where Maggie tells him she's leaving, it cuts to five years later. And Maggie and Sarah are back in New York with a new man in tow. It's time for Maggie to introduce him to Guzmine. And she's really nervous to see if Guzmine will approve of him. So she's kind of coaching him in the taxi. Okay, like don't be too this or that. Like just be cool. Just be chill. Just be chill, you know? Yeah, so cool. Yeah. So they get to the building. Guzmeen is standing out there as always. And hugs Maggie as soon as she comes out of the taxi. And then this new guy, Mark, comes out. Guzmeen looks him up and down. And Mark is like, Hi, um, supposedly I'm supposed to pass some sort of test here. And Goosmin says, You passed it. And Mark's like, Cool, like what did I do? Nothing. But I saw it in her eyes. The moment I saw her. Obviously gesturing to Maggie. And Maggie's like, Goosmeen. And Goosmin tells her, I was never looking at the man, Maggie. I was looking at your eyes. And then cute, heartwarming music and cute montage, everyone's smiling. Sarah jumps out of the taxi, everyone's hugging. It's it's cute. And you're crying. Um, and I think there's a lot that I could say about, you know, the the unspoken love that happens between Maggie and Guzmeen. How there really aren't a lot of words that are exchanged between them, and yet you know what feelings are happening underneath, but I think the reason this episode really tugged at my heartstrings was because Maggie and Guzmeen have no deep ties to one another. The relationship between a doorman and tenant carries no real obligation other than maybe some civil politeness. But sometimes our humanity can't help but peek through. When we see someone day to day, we can't help but form attachments to them. We can't resist caring about the things that fill our lives, to give meaning to it, to find love in it. And I love that it doesn't even have to be a romantic love to matter. This is a beautiful platonic relationship between these two people. It's so embedded in us to care about others. It's beyond our control. And sometimes we try to fight it because, you know, you don't want to be weird or awkward or overbearing or too much. But look what happens when we just let it run its course. We build community. We form a chosen family. We find a home. All around us are little seedlings of relationships that are ready to blossom if we want to. Our next door neighbor, our barista, our lash tech, these strangers, these casual acquaintances that fill our lives, guess what? We care about them. And they us. We can't help it. We're human after all. Maybe we don't know each other's names yet, let alone the story of their lives. But I know with certainty that if we just opened that door, we'd find a little slice of modern love for them and our stone cold hearts.

SPEAKER_01

It was light. Don't worry. It was light. I'm so glad you went first because I mean this is really light. Okay. We say that every episode. I know.

SPEAKER_03

No, that was beautiful. We really should have just sat and watched the whole thing. No, it was like, no, you watched 15 minutes of no, but you did such a beautiful job of like showing me all the little slices and painting this picture.

SPEAKER_05

Now I feel like I don't have to watch it. I feel like I watched it. Yeah, you know. But every episode is a completely different story, and it's really, really good. Okay. There's an Ann Hathaway one seared in my memory. Okay. It's really good. Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_04

No, that was beautiful. Like when he says that line about how New York is a great village.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, like he like he is that, right? He is being that is the embodiment of that.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. And like that scene where she tells him that she's pregnant and then she's like, I just feel like so alone. Like, you know, she's she's leaving and she's like, you just want me to live this life alone. And it's like, if we just take a second to pause and look at actually how many people are there to care about us, and we're kind of just stuck in this, like, I'm alone, like no one cares. But it's like, actually, I could probably pick like hundreds of people that are around you that would care. You just have to open your eyes to it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I love what you said about not just opening our eyes to it, but like opening our hearts to it. And like she could have called someone else that night when she was pregnant, but I feel like her choosing to call him was like her opening that door. Like it could have been really weird. You're right. Like those moments where we choose to show our ourselves to someone and we have no idea how they're gonna react. Like it could, it could be weird, but when we take that chance anyway, like it's it's so beautiful.

SPEAKER_05

I think, I mean, it's you say that, oh, it could be weird. But I try to imagine if someone were to come to me, how could I reject that? Like, I think we're in our heads, like, oh 100%.

SPEAKER_04

That's all it is.

SPEAKER_05

That's all we think the worst, but really people are so ready to give love. Yeah. Yeah. We all have that in us. This innate desire to care about someone if they're coming to us. And I think we just need to remember that a little bit more.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I think it's always worth taking that shot, taking that chance. It might be weird, but it probably won't. It'll probably be actually amazing. Yeah. All right. There you have

Outro

SPEAKER_03

it. Ooh. I feel like we did a Valentine's Day episode.

SPEAKER_05

I know. I was thinking that too. That's next time. That is next time. Ooh. Ooh. What what what could that mean?

SPEAKER_03

All right. Not perfectly aligned, but still about love. No, because Andrew Garfield was on that episode of Yeah.

SPEAKER_05

The connection's still there. Find it. It always is. And also, every story's about love.

SPEAKER_04

So that's period. That's it. That's it. All right. Thank you everyone for tuning in, for listening to our little stories. They're really not little. They're actually really big. They're five pages long each, so I meant like a bunch of random shit thrown in there. I meant was big in terms of heart. But yeah, they're also pretty long. So if you stuck through it, you know what? You're a true fucking fan, and we love you for it. Truly. We love you for it.

SPEAKER_05

So thank you for lending us your ears for the last hour. That's what we got. Hope you enjoyed. If you like what we're doing here, you know what to fucking do. We don't need to say it again. And uh we'll catch you at the next one. Maybe a little Valentine's Day episode. A little more love to talk about. Mm-hmm. We'll never stop talking about it. There's so much to say. Yeah. So buckle up. But until then, beer be crying.