brb crying
brb crying is a comedy podcast hosted by nins & arns, two thirty-something teenagers who love to talk, cry, and talk about what made them cry. join us as we dive into what moves us to tears (movies! books! personal stories! tbh anything is fair game!) and why crying helps us connect with ourselves and each other.
brb crying
037: losing my soul dog, wading through grief, & the relationship that kept me grounded
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In this deeply emotional throwback to episode 010, Arns shares the story of Cosmo, her beloved Maltese who spent more than 16 years by her side. From awkward high school memories and college adventures to the devastating experience of saying goodbye, she reflects on pet loss, grief, unconditional love, and the unique bond we share with the animals who become family.
Nins then explores the song "Blurry" by JP Saxe and opens up about a period of depression, burnout, and feeling lost in her career. Through therapy, gratitude journaling, and the steady support of her partner, she discovered the one thing that remained clear when everything else felt uncertain.
Topics:
• Losing a beloved pet and navigating grief
• The emotional impact of pet ownership
• Depression, burnout, and seeking therapy
• Gratitude journaling and emotional healing
• Healthy relationships and feeling supported
• Finding clarity during difficult seasons of life
• The people (and pets) who become home to us
Whether you're grieving a pet, navigating a challenging chapter, or reflecting on the relationships that keep you grounded, this episode is a reminder that love often leaves its deepest mark through vulnerability, loss, and connection.
Content warning: pet loss, grief, anxiety, depression
Referenced in this episode:
- The Line of Best Fit interview with JP Saxe by Jen Long
- Atwood Magazine interview with JP Saxe by Luke Pettican
- 7 Questions for JP Saxe video
0:00 – Intro & throwback episode announcement
3:52 – Arns shares the story of Cosmo
9:37 – Cosmo’s personality and growing up together
20:55 – Pregnancy, aging, and saying goodbye
28:44 – Grief, dreams, and learning how to let go
34:42 – Arns reflects on loving a pet for the first time
38:02 – Nins introduces JP Saxe and the song “Blurry”
47:18 – Burnout, depression, and therapy in 2020
55:26 – Gratitude journaling and finding clarity through love
1:02:41 – Why “everything’s blurry but you” hits so hard
1:08:20 – Outro
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brb crying—hosted by longtime best friends Nins & Arns—is a podcast where we explore the songs, books, TV shows, films, pop culture moments, and personal stories that help us laugh, cry, heal, and feel a little less alone. Crying is our superpower, and by sharing what makes us cry in a way that makes us laugh, we show how crying helps us connect with ourselves and each other.
Intro: throwin' it back, baby
SPEAKER_01Hi, I'm Angela Nann.
SPEAKER_00I'm Ariana Kempis.
SPEAKER_01And this is BRB Crying.
SPEAKER_00Hello everyone. Welcome back to BRB Crying. I'm Ariana, also known as Arnes.
SPEAKER_01And I'm Angela, also known as Ninz. And welcome to the holiday season. Today we are here, as always, to talk about something that uh moved us to tears a little bit, got us in our feels. That is the routine, but we are doing something a little bit different.
SPEAKER_00A little bit. Today we are going to bring it back to one of our older episodes from season one. So this was summer last year that we came out with this episode. And this is one that is very near and dear to our hearts. And we've had so many new listeners that have been coming through. Love you. Love you. Love you, new crybabies. New little crybabies. So we thought if you haven't yet had the chance to binge every single episode. First of all, what the hell? Yeah. Fake man. Um, but we just felt like it would be a fun way to get to know us. Learn our roots.
SPEAKER_01Learn our roots. Yes. You know? Because guess what? The show's been quality since the beginning. And if you haven't started listening from the very, very start, you're missing out. Yeah. But yeah, we hope you enjoy this little throwback. And enjoy, I mean, be destroyed by it. Yes. This one's a rough one. It's so good. It's so funny. But yeah, I think it it hits a lot of feels. And I think all those sentiments that we shared still stand true today. And um yeah, we hope it brings you the comfort that you may be looking for.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And if you if you liked it and you haven't yet rated us five stars on Apple, Spotify, subscribe to us on YouTube. We are at beerbecrying.podcast. Follow us on all socials. Tell us how much you love us. And uh if you have any suggestions for things that made you cry, any content you want us to consume, or if you have a sob story, something that happened to you that you feel compelled to share with us, email us hello at beerbycryingpodcast.com or send us a message on our website, beerbycryingpodcast.com, or you can DM us.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I I know it sounds like a broken record whenever any single content creator stresses the need for reviews and rapes and all of that stuff. But you know, Arns and I, we are on our way, but we are still a small indie podcast. And every form of engagement that we get from our listeners, one is so so meaningful for us and really just keeps us motivated to keep going. But it also just really helps our podcast grow. And if you love us and you think that more people would benefit from what we have to say here, then we really, really would appreciate the love.
SPEAKER_00Consider it a little Christmas gift, I don't know, for us. Yeah, you know, and uh share us with your friends and fam, co-workers, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, crabby neighbors. They need the fields, they are especially those neighbors. So if someone cuts you off on the freeway, you know, send them our way. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I'll show them. I'll give them something to cry about. God damn it. Okay. All right. All right. Well, enjoy. Enjoy.
SPEAKER_00Shall
Arns: missing Cosmo
SPEAKER_00I start us off? Are you starting today? Yeah, you are starting today. I am.
SPEAKER_01Alrighty.
SPEAKER_00Fuck me up. I will fuck you up. No. I Okay.
SPEAKER_01Heavy one today.
SPEAKER_00Heavy one.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. All right. Can you can you preemptively hand me some tissues? It's one of those. Er sure. So I feel like I shouldn't sound so excited to get into this. I'm nervous. Full disclosure, my heart is pounding right now. Really? I have never. It's okay. Why are you saying that?
SPEAKER_01You'll get through it and then we will take a really long break. Okay. If we need to.
SPEAKER_00Okay. This was level 10 cry. Oh wow. Many, many times. Episode 10, level 10. Episode 10, level 10. We're shit. Doing this. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Level 10 cry. Really, really big. Cried many, many times about this. We'll probably cry my way through this episode. Okay. I don't know why I'm so nervous. It's hard.
SPEAKER_01Oh my god. Oh, it's actually really easy. So I'm just gonna crawl up. Okay. I'm gonna read my segment like this. Sure, sure, sure. Should I just not look at you? Yeah, um, maybe turn around. Okay, okay.
SPEAKER_02Maybe go in the other room.
SPEAKER_00Maybe leave. Okay. So today I'm going to talk about my puppy Cosmo. Whoo!
SPEAKER_01Well, I'm already crazy.
SPEAKER_00Yes, yes. Alright, so to our dear listeners, I had a little puppy named Cosmo, and he passed six months ago. And he was my dog for more than half my life. So this was a really big one. And I honestly I thought I was gonna talk about this sooner, but I wasn't ready. I had written out a bunch of stuff, and I was like, this doesn't feel right yet. I don't think I can do this yet, but the time has come. So I guess I'll just I'll start off from the beginning. Alright. February 2008. We got the Hollister. We got the Abercrombie. Lay that fucking scene. We got the belts, the braided over the shirt. Oh, the braided belts over the shirt. You got the lace tank top, the belts over it. So February 2008, we had a dog. I don't know if you remember ginjin. Yeah. Experiment. We had ginjin for about eight or nine years. And we lost him very suddenly in February of 2008. And then obviously distraught. We swore we wouldn't get another dog for a really long time, if ever at all. I was like, I don't want a dog anymore. Lo and behold, two months later, April 2008, I was having a very cool high school party. Do you remember this? Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01I absolutely remember this. I wasn't sure if you remember.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Very, very cool high school party during the daytime, obviously.
SPEAKER_01Zero alcohol. Oh.
SPEAKER_00Ew.
SPEAKER_01Gross.
SPEAKER_00Super cool. So we're having this party, and my parents come home, and there's a little, a little white rat that comes bounding in. And I mean, he's like zooming all over the fucking house. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? I'm pretty sure like I literally was like, what the fuck is that? And my mom was like, oh, his owner couldn't take care of him anymore. And Pop just couldn't resist. And I was like, so we have a so yeah, after we said we weren't gonna get another dog, we have another dog. So yeah, that party was very chaotic because he was just running all over the place. Didn't know where he was, didn't know who anyone was. And they said his birthday was July 3rd, 2007. But there's no way because that puppy was like, he was like four pounds. He was tiny. I was like, mm-hmm, he's probably two or three months old. He was really, really small. I guess his prior owner had just gotten him, had a back surgery, couldn't take care of him anymore. And so I don't even know if we knew his name. We had to give him a name because he was that young. But so the chaos of my my very cool high school party clears out, and we're left alone with this dog. And I swear to God, he takes one look at me and like locks eyes with me, and those eyes tell me you are my person, and I'm your dog. And for the next 16 years, I'm going to latch onto you with every ounce of my being, and I'm gonna be the clingiest, most anxious dog you've ever fucking met. And I'm gonna do like crazy things, like I'm gonna look you dead in the eye while I pee on the couch, just like out of spite. But I will also rest most easily in your arms, and you will be my home.
SPEAKER_02And my love and devotion to you will be so clear that when I go, I will shatter your heart into a million pieces, and for the rest of your life you will have this cosmo-shaped hole.
SPEAKER_00But somehow you won't regret any minute of it, and I will teach you one of the greatest lessons about love in this lifetime. And that night he slept with me because he chose me, and he slept on my pillow on my head.
SPEAKER_02I slept for maybe like two hours. It was one of the worst nights of my life.
SPEAKER_00Really set the tone for like, you know, what the rest of my life with this dog was gonna look like. For the next 16 years, Cosmo ruled our lives, as you know. I don't know if you ever see those jokes about like how Asian families always have a crusty little white dog. Dude, add me to that fucking roster. Yeah. They're always like 70 years old. They're always super old and like always really annoying, you know? Like they're cute, but white turned off white. Yes. Uh-huh. But yeah, he was a little eight, nine-pound Maltese, this little white rat. Very conventionally cute. We would always get stopped in public about what a cute dog he was. Not too long ago, maybe like last year. I was walking him and a neighbor stopped me and she was like, Oh my god, how old is your puppy? And I was like, Oh, he's 15. She's like, Oh, 15 months? Wow, so young. And I was like, But yeah, so he went everywhere with me in high school when we'd be hanging out in in the garages of our friends' houses.
SPEAKER_01Zero alcohol again. Uh so cool. Alcohol's so gross. You guys, you can't do that. We're not legal. I'm just really disappointed in you drinking.
SPEAKER_00Crazy. Anyways, this dog went everywhere with me. I don't know if you remember this. I would bring him to college with me sometimes, bring him to campus, and I would pawn him off to other people. They'd be like, Oh yeah, I'd love to watch your dog. And I would go to class and stuff, and he would just be hanging out. One time on the way to school, he got me out of a ticket. He was in the passenger seat, and I got caught in an intersection, and the light turned red. And I was like, oh fuck. And there was a cop behind me. So the lights went on, and I had to pull into the gas station on the corner. And this is the first time in my life I have been pulled over. And Cosmo's freaking out. This is baseline, by the way. I mean, I mean, oh my God. And I'm crying because I'm terrified. I don't know what to do because I've never been pulled over before. And I'm like screaming at it.
SPEAKER_02I'm like, Cosmo, shut the fuck up.
SPEAKER_00And he's like, And then this cop comes up to the window and obviously he sees the disarray as soon as I roll down my window. He's like, uh, you know, lucky you, I forgot a pen. So I can't write you up. I'm like, thank you so much. But yeah, he would he was with me wherever I would go as much as I could. He moved with me when we went to Vegas. There would be periods of time where I would actually bring him back to my parents and he would live with my parents for a little bit until the next time I came home and got him. And I was kind of like this helicopter mom. Like I would call my parents every day, not to talk to them, but to be like, what are you feeding him? Like, are you walking him? Blah blah blah. I'm like, oh, we are too tired to walk him. And I'm like, you have to walk him, blah, blah. But yeah, just constantly concerned when I was away from him, kind of like just having a kid. And I think I just really prided myself on taking good care of him. I always told myself, my next dog, I'm gonna take such good care of him that he's never gonna run away from me. Because our other dogs, because we never walked them, whenever we'd open the front door, they would fucking bolt out and go missing for like an hour. And it happened multiple times. And I was like, this isn't normal that our dog wants to leave. And so I was like, I hope my next dog, you know. And he always came back. There was one time when we were in Vegas where we would leave the door open and we'd put up a little doggy gate so he couldn't actually leave the balcony area. But he got out one day and he literally bounded down the steps by himself. And it took a while for us to realize, like, oh my god, he's missing. So then we were like running around the whole apartment complex looking for him. When we finally found him, like 20 minutes later, he was like walking himself. He was just like, you know, like just on our little route, just like peeing and stuff. And he didn't, when he saw us, he didn't run away, like, oh no, you caught me. It was like a oh hey. He just kind of like kept going and we're like, dude, what the f like you can't you can't fucking do that. Yeah. But that was one of those moments where I was like, wow, like I take good fucking care of this dog because he feels safe and he comes back. And so when I was pregnant, it started to get hard for me to take care of him. I got pregnant around the same time we moved into our tiny house. And obviously I wanted him to live with us, and he did for a little, but he was really anxious about his new environment. You know how they say pets take a while to transition. So he was having a really hard time. He would pace at night, we would hear the little clicking of his nails on the ground, and we couldn't figure out a good sleep situation for him. And so the best place we could get him to sleep was onto the couch. And he hurt himself when he jumped off the couch one day, and his hind legs were never the same after that. And this was around like November 2022. And he had had a couple of health scares before that, but this was kind of this sounds really morbid, but like the beginning of the end. I mean, he was already at that point, 14, 15. He was he was aging, and we knew that it would be, if not a physical injury like this, it would be some other sickness. So we knew it was gonna be his time soon. And when I was pregnant, as I started getting bigger, again his hind legs and stuff were an issue, and he was incontinent. So I was having a really hard time cleaning up after him. I mean, it was constant. And I told my parents, I was like, dude, I feel awful and I feel so guilty, but I can't really take care of him right now. It's painful for me. I'm physically limited in what I can do. And when the baby comes too, because you know, he's a fucking yapper, I was like, I don't know how this baby's gonna sleep. So he went back to my parents a couple days before I gave birth. And after I gave birth, he was around for nine more months, and I felt really bad because I kept telling myself, oh, like we'll bring him back, we'll bring him back. But it was always like, oh, it's not a good time because this and that. So he just stayed at my parents until he passed in January of this past year. And so he's not living with me, right, during these nine months, but every moment I can get, I'm coming over to my parents' house and walking him, spending time with him, and bringing him over to our place when I could. But his bark was starting to get really hoarse, and you can just tell he was he was struggling. And one day in January, my mom called me and she's like, he's not eating. And we were like, Okay, I guess we'll bring him to the vet, thinking like it would be something minor. And she called me a couple hours later, and when I saw that she was calling me on the phone, I just knew. Yeah, I could feel it. There was like a shift in the energy around me when I saw that call. And she was like, his trachea's collapsed. The vet wants us to come and say goodbye. And so my family and I went over there, and every time we had gone to the vet, they have a little room in the corner where families will go and their pets will be euthanized. And I would always glance at that room when I was in the lobby, and I'd be like, one day that's gonna be me. But today's not that day, and we're just gonna keep trucking along. But then it was that day. And we gathered in that room, and we all said goodbye, and he was sedated. I was the one holding him. And with our other dog Jin Jin, in retrospect, we very selfishly were like, we don't want to be in the room when we put him down because it's too hard for us to watch. And that was one of our biggest regrets because he was probably so scared because he was alone. And we said that when Cosmo goes, we're gonna be there, we're gonna be holding him. And he had his eyes kind of focusing on me. And yeah. And this happened to be around the same time I was reading Bending Reality by Victoria song. So I was kind of experimenting with that idea of crying instead of just pushing it down. And so I was bursting into tears constantly, but trying to hold it down enough for the baby to like go to bed. And I was like, I just can't wait for her to go to sleep so I can cry. And I would just cry and cry. And it it would be everywhere, I would be crying at work. I mean, it was just I was so spent from feeling everything. It was just really hard. I'm sure anyone listening who's lost a pet knows what that's like. I don't really have to go into it. I still cry. I still cry about it, but there's a lot less anguish and a lot more peace with the distance, and I think that's why I wanted to wait to talk about it a little bit. They say that in your lifetime you have that one pet that is yours and you are theirs. And maybe before and after that you'll have other pets, but there's always that one, and from the beginning I knew that Cosmo was the one. And it's just hard to wrap my head sometimes around the fact that I'm 30 something, but for the rest of my life, like I I had that dog already. I'm sure maybe in the future there'll be others, but there will be no one like him. Until the day that I die. I will only see him in my dreams.
SPEAKER_02Or when I close my eyes and I remember the feeling of like scratching him behind his ears.
SPEAKER_00I will only ever experience those now in my memory. I could go on and on, but I wanted to kind of end with talking about a dream that I had a couple months ago. He doesn't visit me too often in my dreams, but there was one dream that really stood out to me. I was at a pool which is weird because he fucking hated water and it was really crowded, and uh from the distance I could see a little white dog with this woman who was kind of crouched over him, tending to him. And I was like, wow, like God, I used to have a dog who looked just like that. And I started walking closer. and closer and I was like wait that that is Cosmo that's Cosmo I was like what is he what is he doing there who is he with and I realized that he was with another family and I thought I would be overcome with feelings of jealousy and resentment but I was relieved and in my dream I was like oh god there are more people to love him it was just this moment of realization that when you really really love someone or something like there's no ownership there's no like oh it's mine mine mine you're just you love that they're loved and so wherever you are Cosmo I know you're probably being a fucking asshole to your new family but I know they love you just the same.
SPEAKER_01Thank you for sharing that I know it wasn't easy to relive those memories as much joy as it brought you I think that dream captured exactly what I wanted to say as well which is that I didn't have a pet growing up my dad claimed he was allergic but for my pet and my sister's pet he doesn't sneeze so surprise surprise anyway I never had the experience of being a child with a child animal and I got a cat when I was an adult yeah and the first couple months of me getting this pet I realized how much of a fucking spoiled baby I was I was like oh is this what it's like to take care of something and love something that relies on you like I was like a dumb bitch. I was like wait this is what it's like like this was the first time I really opened up my heart to something that in essence was more work like she just uses up resources I'm cleaning after her like what's the benefit really and the benefit is that this this animal just loves the shit out of you it allows all of this love in your heart it allows you to give it to something and it's it's like for the first time I realized oh this is what it's like to not give a shit about myself I'm just doing this because I want you to be happy and taken care of. That's the power of our love for these animals.
SPEAKER_00They change us Yeah it was hard because he felt like my first child the way I cared for him it it's the same thing. If anyone's wondering what it's like to have a kid no it's literally like having a pet.
SPEAKER_01I love the way that you told the story because there is something so not of this world when you think about the bond that you just have with certain pets Somewhere sometime we made a deal hey we're gonna be each others I think that all the time when I look at mirror hey you picked me huh that dog fucking picked the shit out of you for sure it was too much it's like we get it truly
Nins: "Blurry" by JP Saxe
SPEAKER_01out of this hole?
SPEAKER_00I don't think so what do you mean?
SPEAKER_01Might make it worse oh no all right well hard pivot hard pivot well I'm gonna be talking about one thing I will get a little personal. Okay it might get pretty heavy too but we'll try to end it on a good note we'll try to end it on a good note all right so today I will be talking to you about a song okay called Blurry written and performed by JP Sachs he is a Canadian singer and musician and my sources for today in addition to the song is an article from the line of Best Fit by Jen Long an article from Atwood magazine by Luke Pedican and a YouTube video of an interview JP Sachs did with Seven Layers. So JP Sachs born in Washington DC raised in Toronto I learned that that's how you actually pronounce Toronto that's how like the locals say it. Oh yeah Toronto is like when people say San Fran and it just makes Kelly Yeah got it don't say San Fran, don't say Toronto. Yeah. Toronto. Toronto Someone's gonna be like you still fucking said it wrong. Anyway he moved to Los Angeles at the age of 19 to pursue music and as a kid he taught himself piano and guitar. I don't fucking get why people just teach themselves these things I like they don't it's in them. Oh yeah it is in him because music actually ran in his family. His grandfather is an internationally celebrated and Grammy award winning cellist so he's kind of a Neppo baby but his music is very much not classical. He doesn't sound like a Neppo baby got it yeah but I I do think that his grandfather being so successful in this career path really did shape his passions and he says I'm really grateful to him because he made the concept of building a life with music seem less absurd. Just really gave him the courage to pursue it. I like that so his music is described as soulful RB leaning pop. Okay. He's been writing music and performing ever since the age of 14. He's 31 now and me too his career pretty much changed overnight when he released his most popular song with Julie uh Michaels in 2019 If the world was ending oh yeah that's him ah and if you're not familiar with the song it's basically imagining the world ending and two complicated lovers thinking that if that really were the case they would put their differences aside and still choose to spend their last night on Earth together. And the timing of this song's release was pretty fucking serendipitous. It was at the end of 2019 right before the pandemic so people were like what the fuck? But all this to say this is not the song I'm highlighting today. I just wanted to spend a little bit of time on it because I think it really speaks to JP Sachs's storytelling and the significance he places on crafting a song in its entirety melody, vocals, instruments and most importantly the lyrics themselves. And yeah, he really gives a shit about the writing of his songs. And in fact when he moved to LA he would go to a lot of open mics and he became friends with a lot of poets and he said hanging out with poets pushes me to up my game because if I sing something melodically beautiful but lyrically underwhelming to a poet friend they don't give a shit about how pretty it might sound they'll tell me I'm being lazy. Ooh wow so yeah this is just someone who really cares about the craft of his songs wanting to convey authentic emotions tell a story and tell it beautifully so as I mentioned I want to talk about his song Blurry and to be so fucking for real this song was released in 2018 right before his career really catapulted into to fame so I really wasn't able to find any clips really or any interviews where he talked about the song at length and talked about his inspirations and blah blah blah blah blah but I think that's okay because music and art while the context is great it can more so be about how we perceive it what it means to us personally you know we can find our own meaning behind things and really that's the part I want to focus on today when it comes to me telling this story. Basically me making shit up about the song.
SPEAKER_00Got it you writing the uh interpretation on Rhab Genius.
SPEAKER_01Exactly exactly so I don't know Arns I assume you don't want me to say anything about the song before of course do you know play it for you.
SPEAKER_00I want to walk in there blind.
SPEAKER_01Yeah okay and I will do that. I just want to point out two things so that you can pay closer attention to them.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_01The lyrics of the chorus and basically everything after the bridge are the elements that really resonate with me. And maybe once we listen to it and I can tell you why we can listen to it again after having my context. Ka context. Yeah got it. Alright so again this is Blurry by JP Sachs we will link this song in our show notes if you'd like to listen before we dive in so I just played the song for Arns sick fucking song vibes a little dark a little moody might be interesting to know that the cover art for the single is a close up profile view of this couple lying down and the lighting is this deep dark purple which I feel is the perfect shade to give you the feeling that the song is now the song itself is actually about a couple getting a little intimate they're having a moment. Okay this Atwood magazine article was like one of the only things I found that talked about the song specifically and they write that this track quote delves deeply into the incomparable feeling of being utterly fully connected to someone blurry speaks to the precious euphoria that's found in the reciprocation of this poignant entanglement. And I'm like yeah they're boinking in this song like just say that they're boinking you know so many words however as I mentioned in my preamble I more so want to focus on specific lyrics of the song and the production of the song and why this was significant for me personally. So two lines that are repeated in the chorus and basically just all throughout the song are all that I'm in are the parts of my skin touching yours and everything's blurry but you and I really love the imagery of looking at the world at your life and having it not make any sense and feeling really lost and confused and the only thing that's grounding you that makes sense is this person that you love. There was a time in my life where I was really struggling I was so terribly unhappy with my job and I allowed it to basically negatively affect every aspect of my life this job just gave me a lot of stress I didn't find fulfillment in it. I didn't feel like I was doing anything important and the office itself was just not a fun place to be very toxic place. And what made it worse was that even when I wasn't at work in the back of my mind I just kept thinking you're gonna have to go back at some point I couldn't enjoy being present in the moment because I was just dreading when this would be over and I would have to be back there. And yeah I fell into a deep depression also this was 2020 so the world was just like shitty in general and every morning when I got ready for work and was about to walk out the door I would kiss Lou, my partner at the time my now husband and I would always linger a little bit longer just fighting back tears and just making our goodbye last longer so I wouldn't have to leave or you remember this. I would do stupid shit like fantasize getting sick or like getting into a minor car accident so I could call out of work. Very unhealthy that's when I knew I was like oh this is not yeah and I distinctly remember one particularly bad day in the office I went to the bathroom to cry and I literally fucking took out my phone and I just started cold calling random therapists and I was like hi like can you fit in a new patient because I fucking am about to have a mental breakdown. I just didn't have the tools to separate my self-worth or my purpose in life from the job that I had I had a very basic understanding and definition of what success meant basically find a high paying job and work your way up the company. Like we're taught this so young and we're fucking kids so we don't know any better. And yeah I was fucking miserable and I didn't know how to get out of this rut. Like I remember growing up and hearing people say oh I hate my job and I'd say something fucking dumb like we'll find a new job. But it's like you know you go to college you get this degree you have training in one specific industry and it's like if you fucking hate your job like you just go to another company that does the same shit. Tell younger me to shut the fuck up anyway so that day in the bathroom was my first foray into therapy and ultimately my first step on this journey of self-improvement so I started meeting with this therapist and it was very like the first session was very like entry level advice she was like you know you should start journaling you should start walking outside walking outside she really said that yeah at some point yeah but at the time I was so desperate I was like okay fuck it I'll do all these things yeah I mean honestly I'm thankful that she told me to journal because I still enjoy doing that today. And she also was like you know you should really take the time to do like a gratitude practice. So I did. And every day I would journal and write down my thoughts. I know we've talked about this before how important it is to actually take the time to articulate what you're thinking because everything is so fucking jumbled in your head you don't know what you're thinking until you stop and pause and write it out. But yeah at the top of each journal entry I would write three things that I was grateful for that day. And remember this was at a time when each day was fucking shit. I'm fucked up at this point depressed anxious just not taking care of myself and I look back at all these journal entries and in every single gratitude practice literally every single one I write about how I'm grateful for Lou October 27 2020 One thing I'm grateful for is having the best life partner in Lou October 28, 2020 I'm grateful for a playful moment me and Lou had today when we kept taking turns faceplanting on the bed he makes me laugh every day even on my hard ones November first, 2020 I'm grateful that we were able to clean the apartment today. Teamwork with Lou November 17th, 2020 had a hard day at work and felt so comforted when I finally came home and Lou wrapped me in his arms there's more but basically all in the same vein. And all this to say when I look back at this really hard period in my life the one thing that was so constant and so clear was him. Everything was blurry but him so in the second half of the song the music gets really chaotic there's kind of like this jazzy piano solo that turns into an electric guitar riff and honestly the riff to me it always sounds like someone's wailing like someone's in pain and in the background of the guitar riff there's all these echoey sounds and deep bass reverbs it's a lot of noise essentially and it's all building up to this very full outro and in all of this musical chaos all of this blurriness one thing that is consistently clear is JP Sachs singing over and over again everything's blurry but you get it like yeah I think so so yeah I I love this song because it always brings me back to this revelation what this partnership has brought into my life and dear listener I know that our lives could very Very well look vastly different. And I hope that me sharing the story isn't coming off as an annoying brag about how my relationship with my partner is so perfect because it's not. It's oh, it's not. But I think we can all relate to and find beauty in the idea of life just being a big old blur and then recognizing that one thing that keeps you grounded. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic partner. Maybe it's a job. Maybe you fucking love your job. Who knows? Yeah. Maybe it's a child or a sweet puppy. Or maybe it's your dreams and pursuing them. Whatever it is, I hope that we can all take a moment to just stop and feel that gratitude for that thing that in all of the blurriness is still really clear. So yeah, that may not have been the direct message that JP Sachs intended when he wrote this song, but that is my takeaway and why it always moves me to tears when I listen to it. And I think that's fine. I think that he wouldn't mind. Music is supposed to connect us in more than one way.
SPEAKER_00Thanks for sharing. I love when you share these tender moments about your life with Lou. Because even as your best friend, I don't see that. I don't see the struggling in private the way he does. And on the other end of it, I don't often see the tenderness on his part. I only see the silliness.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, for those of you that don't know my husband, he's a complete fucking clown.
SPEAKER_00The relentless jokes. I mean, if it's not a joke coming out of his mouth, I get nervous because I'm like, something's wrong. Something is amiss. So when you share this, as much as I know and love Lou, it adds even more shape to my idea of him.
SPEAKER_01To be clear, Arnes has known my husband longer than I've known him. So only by like two years. Like 2005. It's it's something that we have kept coming back to over and over again. For all of these episodes, it's like there's so much more to everyone. Literally, episode one, you talked about Uncle Iroh and Iro. Uva. Uva. Yeah. I was like Jiro, but that's Jiro dreams of sushi. I mean, but yeah. You know, it's like there's a lot that we don't always show the world. But that doesn't mean that it's there. I mean, I know that you were aware of how hard it was for me at the time, but I probably was like, oh yeah, I fucking hate my job right now, but you know, didn't really let people into where my head was really at. Yeah. I I just I look back at where I was at the time. I was probably 27 and like just didn't really have any tools to sort my shit out and redefine what was important to me. But I think where I am today, all of the growth that we've done, just picking these stories week after week and really allowing ourselves to think about them and process them and change the way that we view the world. I wish I could give this podcast to 27-year-old me, you know. Me too.
SPEAKER_00You're right. You didn't really dig me out of that hole. It's fine.
Outro
SPEAKER_00Did you cry or not? Still heavy. Still heavy. Still fucking hits, though. Thank you for listening. As always, thank you for lending us your ears. We hope you have felt something. Hope you feel moved. That's what we fucking got today. All we fucking got.
SPEAKER_01See you, see you mid-January. Oh, are we gonna still be in Capricorn season? We have to be still in Capricorn season. We'll make sure. Okay. We'll make sure of it. It's the best time of year, January. Wonder why. It's her birthday. All right. Well, thank you to all of our listeners. We hope that we hope that you end the year soft and comforted and healed and ready for whatever the new year has to bring. Beautiful. Thank you. We are gonna finish off the year soft ourselves. We are. And then we'll come back mid-Jan.
SPEAKER_00Mid-Janish. Mid-Janish. But until then, beer bee crying.