brb crying

003: PMDD & olivia dean's "carmen" on womanhood & resilience

• Nins & Arns

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0:00 | 54:06

This week, Nins and Arns explore two deeply personal stories about womanhood, inheritance, and the experiences that shape who we become.

Nins opens up about living with Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD), sharing a vulnerable story about depression, emotional overwhelm, mental health, and the invisible realities many people who menstruate face every month. Through her experience, she reflects on vulnerability, self-compassion, and the importance of feeling seen.

Arns dives into "Carmen" by Olivia Dean, a heartfelt tribute to Olivia Dean's grandmother and the Windrush generation. Through music, family history, and immigrant stories, the conversation explores sacrifice, gratitude, resilience, and the generations of love that make our lives possible.

Together, these stories spark a conversation about mental health, womanhood, family legacy, immigration, healing, resilience, and what we inherit from those who came before us.

Content warning: depression, PMDD, mental health struggles, emotional distress, discussions of women's health.

Referenced in this episode:

Content warning: depression

0:00 - Intro
8:27 - Nins: PMDD
34:58 - Arns: "Carmen" by Olivia Dean

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brb crying—hosted by longtime best friends Nins & Arns—is a podcast where we explore the songs, books, TV shows, films, pop culture moments, and personal stories that help us laugh, cry, heal, and feel a little less alone. Crying is our superpower, and by sharing what makes us cry in a way that makes us laugh, we show how crying helps us connect with ourselves and each other.

Intro

SPEAKER_02

Hi, I'm Angela Nann.

SPEAKER_01

I'm Ariana Kempis.

SPEAKER_04

And this is BRB Crying. Welcome everyone. Hello there to all you listening. Hey, crybabies.

SPEAKER_00

Ooh, she said it.

SPEAKER_01

You know what? Okay. I suggested to you last week. I was like, what do you think about tearjerks?

SPEAKER_03

Now that I say it out loud, like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

As the name for our lovely, lovely listeners that actually pay attention to our ramblings. Yeah. We wanted to give you a cute nickname. So Arns was like tear jerks.

SPEAKER_03

Um I mean like funny. It's funny, but like.

SPEAKER_01

I I can see why it's not crybabies is cuter.

SPEAKER_04

Crybabies is cuter. It is cuter. I think. Yeah. So hello to our little crybabies. Hey crybabies. Hey there. Welcome to episode three. Mm-hmm. We're back.

SPEAKER_03

You thought. You thought. But here we are. It's been a whole week. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02

Well, for you listeners, it's been a whole week. Yeah. It's actually been a whole month for us. Yes. Because we recorded two episodes and I fucked off to Asia after. So worth it. Yeah, it's yeah, it is. I know. I went to uh Korea. That's why Arns is. She has her little hands up with the call.

SPEAKER_01

I forgot. It's a podcast. You can't see me unless you're watching us.

SPEAKER_02

What is this called? The the hearts with the thumbs. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I'm not gonna pretend I know what it's called.

SPEAKER_02

The official name is the heart with the thumbs. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. You know it's official when they made an emoji for it, you know? Right?

SPEAKER_02

It's an emoji, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Well, it's good to be back. Yeah. I can't believe it's been a whole month since our last episode. Yeah. I'm excited to uh cry on the internet again.

SPEAKER_01

Me too.

SPEAKER_02

You know?

SPEAKER_01

I am. I actually I am excited. There's a whole lot that goes into producing this. Really? Tell me all about it. Um so there's a whole lot that goes into it. And so it's always nice when we actually get to sit down and do it. Yeah. Do the actual thing that we're here to do. I know.

SPEAKER_02

I feel like you and I kind of wait to have these conversations because I was literally at her house yesterday and we were kind of working on editing the first two episodes, and there were just like zero questions asked about like how was your life?

SPEAKER_01

No, how was your trip? I know I wanted to ask about your trip, but I was like, nope, it's business time.

SPEAKER_02

I yeah, I figured you would ask me at some point during this pod. Yeah. Will we get into it? I don't know. Is that my topic for today?

SPEAKER_01

Maybe we'll have a Patreon and uh it'll be like a subscribe if you want the dates. Ooh.

SPEAKER_02

Thanks in advance to uh my husband for being the only subscriber. Yes.

SPEAKER_03

He is he's gonna love all of these little shout-outs. I know I know he's gonna love it so hard. Yeah, I know. He really will. God. I hate that I'm making him like so excited. His head is like.

SPEAKER_02

Anyway. Anyway. Well, actually, I will say this since you mentioned, or since I'm bragging about the fact that I just came back from Korea, I went to Seoul for a week and I went to Hawaii on the way home for a wedding for like five days. I did not cry in Korea. I was like, oh, Seoul, is this my city? Um I was close though.

SPEAKER_03

There was one time that I almost cried, and it was because I ate this meal that was so good. Oh my god. That it moved me to tears. What was it?

SPEAKER_02

It was it's called some gitang.

SPEAKER_01

Okay.

SPEAKER_02

Butchered it. Um it's basically a chicken rice porridge soup. Okay. Very similar to like our Scaldo. If you uh, you know, Arns and I are Filipino. We grew up on Filipino food. Yeah. So it's basically like a rice porridge soup. Okay. And the Korean version is a whole chicken that's put in the broth or in each bowl. And inside of the chicken is like sticky rice. It's kind of like stuffing for the chicken. And instead of it being flavored with ginger, which is the Arscaldo version, they use ginseng. And uh I like sat down at this restaurant, it was like wildly popular. It was like on everyone's list if you're gonna go to Seoul. Yeah. And I was like, you know, I got my whipped out of the chopsticks, and it's a whole ass chicken. So I'm like, uh, how am I gonna cut into this chicken? Yeah. I praught it with my chopstick. Oh, fall off the bone. Like so good. And the reason that I got emotional when I was eating it is because well, obviously it was amazing tasting. But I don't know, there's something about our escaldo for me personally, where it's just it's one of those meals where the moment anyone in my family felt a little bit under the weather, it was what my dad would make. And it was a way for him to kind of like, oh, I we have this soup, it'll help you feel better. It's like it's just this your comfort food full of love. Yeah, you know, and it just felt so familiar when I was eating it, and it just felt like, wow, this is a dish that has been prepared for centuries by people that are nourishing their family, you know. Just like, yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_03

And I was like, oh my, this is the intro.

SPEAKER_02

Oh my God. I know. But I yeah, I was just like eating this bowl of soup. I was like thinking of my dad. I was thinking of all of these families that just like, what does food mean? Yeah what does it mean to prepare food for people?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, and um yeah, I was like why am I grinding for this bowl of chicken, you know?

SPEAKER_01

No, I love that. I I think you're right. Oftentimes our society is so much about efficiency, right? You get the meal prep, you know, you get the you get the stuff delivered.

SPEAKER_05

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You you make it, you make it as fast as you can so you can move on with your day. Yeah. But at least in our culture, it is a labor of love to make food for someone.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. It's just like there is a physical difference in taste and just like when you are eating something that is prepared by actual hands, you know, that care whether or not you want this or enjoy it, you know? Yeah. Yeah. So I guess I'll put the restaurant description in our show notes in case anyone is feeling hungry.

SPEAKER_01

So you didn't cry in soul, but you cried on the pod talking about it.

SPEAKER_02

Well, yeah, you have to remember I was in a foreign country and I was uh just wanting to not make a scene, you know, in the middle of this restaurant where like all of these people are just going about their day, and then you just see someone like openly sobbing over super Yeah. I mean, it could be I listen, I know we have a thesis, we have a goal to change the stigma. I just wasn't fully prepared to do that in a new country.

Nins: PMDD

SPEAKER_02

Is that our transition? I think so, yeah. Because, like you said, I did not cry in soul. Yeah. But the second leg of my trip. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Hawaii. Ooh. Oh. Well, there were actually three cries in those five days. Wow. Okay. The first one was because I finished a book, which I told you about. You mean the one that you're yeah. The one you were like, you need to read this.

SPEAKER_04

I'm gonna buy this for you now.

SPEAKER_03

Showed up on my doorstep the next day. Like, can you read this in a week? It's only 300 pages. The one is like 300 pages? But it's microscopic.

SPEAKER_02

Oh, but it's so good. But anyway, um, we will probably cover that in a future episode. So if you want to uh get your homework done early, read The Wishing Game. The Wishing Game by Meg Schaefer. By Meg Schaefer. Really good book. And we will for sure be covering it at some point on the pod. So if you want to know what the fuck we're talking about, get to it. Um and then the second cry was just because I went to a wedding. Oh, yeah. And I'm always crying at wedding. I don't think I've ever gone to a wedding where I did not cry.

SPEAKER_04

Me too.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Uh we both went to a wedding, actually, during this time. Yes, we did. Yes. Both cried at these weddings. Okay, great. Yeah. I just I fucking love a wedding. Yeah. Uh those are always very joyful, happy tears. Yeah. But my last cry. And that's what you're talking about today? My last cry is what I'll be talking about today. And this cry was a sad cry. It was a very sad cry. And the cry level was like seven, eight. Oh. Yeah. I know, I know. I'm sorry. We had to do it at some point. You're not sorry though. No, I'm not sorry. Um we had to do it at some point. But yeah. What I'm gonna be sharing is going to be very vulnerable, but I think that it will resonate with hopefully people, because this is not a side that we talk about ever. Um, so today I'm gonna be talking about my experience with PMDD. What's PMDD? Oh my god, you don't know. You wait, you don't know what PMDD is? Like what the hell? Um, PMDD is pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. And I think we've all, we obviously all know what PMS is. And it's just basically, it stands for premenstrual syndrome, and it's when a person who menstruates their body is basically preparing for this cycle, and the hormones in their body are spiking and lowering, and there's a lot of imbalances in the body. There's irritability, there's food cravings, there's bloating, there's all of this stuff and mood swings that happen during this phase. And for people who have PMDD, these symptoms are every month and they are so severe that they hinder you being able to function normally. And um for me, the worst parts of my PMDD are these very, very intense bouts of depression, just like really, really heavy. And I I didn't really even know that PMDD was a thing. I just happened to be scrolling on Twitter one day, and some person was talking about it and was like, this affects 10% of women, which I think whoa, 10%? That honestly sounds low to me. I mean, these okay, so I'm gonna be sharing some sources from like the Cleveland Clinic, the Hopkins Medicine Journal, the Mayo Clinic. And yeah, it says 8 to 10% of people who menstruate could potentially have this. But what frustrates me about it is that, like, what if I wasn't on Twitter that day? And I didn't learn about this, and I just never heard that this was a thing. Yeah. Then I would just continue my whole life thinking, oh, I just have PMS. And I don't know, I just feel like there is just not enough education on women's health. And it's it's like a it's like a taboo. Yeah. You know? We get our periods when we're in middle school and you have to keep it a secret. Like the biggest shame is like bleeding, bleeding through.

SPEAKER_01

Like I still feel that shame sometimes. I literally like two nights ago, I told Joe and we're like, sorry, I there's blood all over the sheets. And it was like I was apologizing.

SPEAKER_02

Right. You know, and there's just a lot of discomfort that literally half the people on earth experience once a month. And we kind of just have to pretend that we're okay. There's a lot of masking, yes, right? Like the ideal situation is that you would never know that I'm going through this because in our society you just have to act like you're fine. Yeah, you are totally comfortable, everything's great. Because it makes other people uncomfortable, right? Exactly. Supposedly. Yeah. So um I'm not a doctor. Did you know that? Sweet. What? So I know that I was talking about a lot of like medical things, and if any of this resonates with you, obviously go to your physician and see what they think because I am a professional crier, not a professional doctor.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yes. Ooh. Professional crier.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I read about it, I think this was like probably 2020, where I didn't have anything else to do. So I was just on my phone constantly. And I learned about this, and I visited my gynecologist and we talked about this, and it's like we were talking about like how to treat it. And there really isn't much that you can do. One of the options was taking antidepressants every two weeks, or like the two weeks before your period. Okay. And your body takes three months to even get used to it. And my cycle isn't necessarily exactly regular. So how am I supposed to know the two weeks before? Yeah. So it's just like it didn't make sense for me to consider that route. And I will say that now that I am aware of this, there's a lot of holistic things that I do to try to mitigate the intensity of it. So having my routine is really important. Eating certain foods during this time is really important. Like what foods? Like a lot of like fibrous foods, a lot of like leafy greens and things like that. But uh, I was on vacation. So I was completely in a new environment and I was in Seoul, so I was eating whatever the fuck. Uh I'm gonna eat everything when I'm on vacation. I don't care. Sorry, I can only have leafy greens here in Seoul. Can you imagine? To use you.

SPEAKER_03

I'm not gonna do that.

SPEAKER_02

So yeah, I, you know, I was choosing to just enjoy the moment, and it also has been a pretty long time since I've had a really intense bout. My husband and I call them bouts. Yes. Just because I work from home most of the time, and when they happen, I'm usually in a safe space. And I'm I can just like sleep it off or whatever. I can just stay at home. But honestly, they can happen at any time. And for this particular case, I was on vacation when it happened. And so this was the very last full day of our trip. We were, it was Sunday night. We were gonna fly home from Hawaii on Monday. And the whole trip, I just I have to say, I fucking loved every second of this vacation. I just loved it so much. Like Seoul was amazing. Our time in Hawaii was amazing. Like seeing my college friends get married, like, oh, what a joy. Yeah. But the exhaustion did catch up to me. Yeah. And, you know, weddings are such social events that, you know, your battery is kind of drained at the end of the night. So on Sunday, which was our last day, you know, I I think everyone wants to approach the last day of their vacation of like, oh, let's not waste it. We go home tomorrow, back to reality, like let's live it up, you know. So my husband and I, we had reservations for dinner. We go to dinner, and I'm realizing that my mood is starting to get a little low. And I'm getting like a little bit irritable, but still I'm just kind of chalking it up to like my husband is the only person I've talked to in 15 days. So I still enjoyed the dinner and we drove there and then we headed back to the main strip of Waikiki, which is where our hotel was. And, you know, we had plans for the evening. They the couple that got married was actually hosting like a happy hour, and then we wanted to go, you know, just walk downtown and just just walk around, you know, just enjoy the last evening. Yes, stroll. Um, the word in psychologist pashal. Pashal, pashyal. So I could already tell that something was happening, but I was, you know, trying to act like I was okay, putting on this brave face, right? And we get back to the hotel and we drop off the car rental at the lobby, and then I actually ask my husband if we can just go straight to walking around Waikiki. And he was like, Well, can we just go back up to the room really quick because I need to like use ration, whatever. And in my mind, I was thinking to myself, like very quickly, I was already hesitant to go back to the room because I knew that the moment that I closed the door, I would allow myself, I would finally feel comfortable enough to just let it drain me. Yeah. And I didn't really want to like argue, so I was like, okay, that's fine. We can go up to the room. And we go up to the room, and he goes to the restroom, and I sit down on the bed, and I just I feel it. Yeah. I think that like if I try to describe what it feels like after the pandemic, I think this generation is a lot more comfortable talking about mental health, and it feels like a safer space to share the side of you, but in the same vein, it's talked about so much that I find that the word depression is we've kind of just replaced that with the word sadness. It's like, yeah, oh my god, that movie was so depressing. Like God. I was so depressed after reading that book. And you know, I'm guilty of it. Very like casually turned around. I 100% do that all the time. Yeah. But the thing is that when I get to these places where this PMDD hits me and depression hits me, it is it is a sadness that is like all consuming. Like I I become paralyzed in my sadness. I can't move. I can't talk. And it's ironic because even though I can't physically say anything, it's like the thoughts in my head are on a microphone. And it's so loud, and the thoughts are racing. And my body is just very like overstimulated. And it's kind of like I become inert. It's like, you know, like the objects in motion stay in motion, objects that are at rest, like they're not fucking moving. That's how I felt. I think that's why I didn't want to go back up to the room. Yeah. Because if I just kept going. I could continue it. But the moment that I was like in that hotel room, just like on the bed, I was like, I don't know that I can get back up. Yeah, it's just it's such a frustrating feeling because it's like, uh, I know what's physically happening in my head. I know that it's a chemical imbalance. I know that the serotonin levels have just dropped. But it feels like you're you're not in control of your body. And I think that with emotions, especially for women, it's like you are trained to always be in control of it. Like, do not be reactive, do not make a scene, do not show that you are anything but perfectly fine. So obviously, I tell my husband, he knows that it's happening, and he's an angel and he helps me with this all the time. And there is kind of a routine where if it happens when I'm at home, he just kind of like lays with me. But because it was the last night of our vacation, I didn't want to disappoint him, so I I could tell that he would have still wanted to walk around or do something that evening if we could help it. So I'm like, okay, let me try to do this. Let me get up and let's walk around. Maybe, maybe the walk will be better because you fucking you talk to your therapist and they're like, you know, if you're feeling depressed, go for a walk. Like that'll cure it, you know? Yeah. Just skin in the sun. A little vitamin D. That's what you need. Yeah. So doctor's orders. I went outside. And um I mean, I I was not supposed to be on the walk. Like I was just kind of a shell of myself. And we were walking on the sidewalk, and you know, there's a road right there, and there's a car that's stopped at a light. This top is down. This guy's like drop top, cruising the street. Oh, 100%. And the universe, I think, was like, what is the most annoying song that we could play in this moment? That this guy like rolled his volume all the way up to max, like obviously just wanting to make a scene because it was the main strip of Waikiki and he was at a red light. It was the song that's um, uh, me so hung. Can you imagine being in the depths of depression?

SPEAKER_03

Like someone was really like, okay, can I just say I didn't think that's where this was going.

SPEAKER_01

I was I was racking my brain. I was like, in my head, I was like, can I guess it? Can I guess it?

SPEAKER_02

Most obnoxious song. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03

He was talking like, damn, I'm so cool right now. Shit. Laughing now was not laughing.

SPEAKER_02

No. Um, so shortly after that, my husband's like, okay, I I don't know that this is helping. Let's let's go back.

SPEAKER_03

He wanted to wait for the song to finish though, and then he was like, all right.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. So when we got back to the hotel room, I sat back on the bed. And yeah, I kind of just asked my husband if he could help me get ready for bed. And literally, like, can you help me take off my makeup? Can you help me brush my teeth? And can you help me get into pajamas? And he so gently helped me do this. And I was kind of like having like an out-of-body experience where it was like I was watching him change me, change my clothes, and my immediate thought was God, Angela, like get your shit together and just change yourself. You're being traumatic, you're being ridiculous, you're being unreasonable, and you're just acting out. And then once we had finally settled into bed, I was thinking about how again, like God, I'm being ridiculous. Like, just fucking get over this and don't make your husband do all this stupid shit. And this is where I started crying. This is when, after all of this darkness, I was overcome with tears. Like we were just lying in bed at this point, and I just was sobbing because on one hand, I was thinking that, God, like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, this is dumb what you're doing right now. And then on the other hand, it was why do I have to deny myself at this moment where I am not in control of what I'm feeling? Why is my mind automatically trying to make excuses, minimize my pain? Because we're always conditioned to not be difficult. Yeah, you know? Yeah. So yeah, it was a really heavy, heavy evening. And I don't know that I have really anything insightful to add. I I think it's really just me sharing that I know that I'm not the only one that feels these bouts of depression or has instability with their mental health. And even if you scientifically know what's happening, it doesn't really make it easier because you still feel so out of control. But if I can provide anyone comfort by knowing that, hey, at least you're not alone in that. Yeah. I don't know. Hopefully that is one small positive. Yeah. You know.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Thank you for sharing. And giving all that context too, because I didn't know about PMDD until you first shared with me everything you were going through. Because that's not something that I've experienced. But 10% of people that menstruate experiencing this, and possibly more. Gas to do that. That's a lot.

SPEAKER_02

Because who knows about this, even. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the part that frustrates me. It's that many people may have it and they just think, oh no, that's just normal. Yeah. That's just what I have to go through every month. And yes. It's frustrating because even though I know that it's not normal, there's not really a lot that can be done.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Like even if I am really good with my diet and my routine, they still happen, just maybe not as intensely. Yeah. But it's just something that we have to live with. But yeah, I just I think that's the part that really made me very emotional in that moment because even as we are venturing out to do this podcast and have these conversations where we are leaning into the emotions and we're leaning into being comfortable with the vulnerability. It's like my brain is still wired to think, no, get a hold of yourself. You know?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. It's like, why? I mean, you that's a lifetime of unlearning that we all have to do. Yeah. And not to detract from the severity of everything that you go through monthly when you do have these bouts. But when you said silver lining or small positive, the first thing that jumped to me, or also when you were saying that your mind was you were lying there and you were thinking about these two things, like get a hold of yourself and my thoughts jumped to. Thank God you have someone that can take care of you and support you and carry you through those moments because there are people out there who are going through this alone, and it may not ease the symptoms that you're feeling, but to have someone be able to brush your teeth for you and do that for you when you can't do it yourself. I'm grateful to Lou that he can be that support for you. I'm grateful that you you have that support when you go through that. And you have someone who is familiar with it and can help help you regulate. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Because I can't I can't imagine I can't imagine doing that alone. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

You're not alone. Yeah. Period. You're not alone. Period.

SPEAKER_04

Oh my gosh. What the fuck?

SPEAKER_02

Oh god. Yeah. I felt really heavy. It feels very scary to talk about that so openly and just share a moment that is very unglamorous because I'm on vacation, so you're gonna see all my fucking fun ass IG stories and whatever. But yeah, everything's fake. Everything's fake.

SPEAKER_01

Nothing's real.

SPEAKER_02

Nothing's real. No. You know? Well, thank you for sharing. That's a hard thing to go through. It is a very hard thing to go through. Period.

SPEAKER_01

Period.

Arns: "Carmen" by Olivia Dean

SPEAKER_02

Okay. Okay. Fucking switch gears here. Anyways, give me a different topic. I will. Okay, so. Cry level. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_01

Like a one. Okay. One or two.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah, get me out of this.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah. Jesus. Let me just reach in there. Pull you out. Yes. So today I am going to talk about a song. Ooh. Yes. Uh I wasn't originally going to talk about this, but then it came on my feed, and I cried again, and I was like, okay, let's talk about this.

SPEAKER_04

Okay.

SPEAKER_01

So I'm going to talk about the song Carmen by Olivia Dean. I don't know if you've heard it. It's not one of, I would say not one of her most popular songs. Okay. It's on her her newest album, Messi. Okay. It's, I think, her the closing song. But of course, I will give you the context that you so deserve. Yes. Okay, so um Olivia Dean is an English singer, songwriter, and the genre, her genre is Neo Soul. And I was introduced to her by my cousin, Angelica, a couple years ago. Shout out. Jelly Pie. But it honestly changed my life. Uh I feel like I say that so much that it cheapens the phrase. But you know what? Just thinking about sorry, my life gets changed so easily. Whatever. Um, so I've truly been obsessed with her ever since. She is, oh my God. I mean, she is exceptional. She is, she's she's pretty young. She's only 25, I think, but she has such an old soul and incredible lyricist, incredible musician and singer, gorgeous, fucking cherry on top. She is she is gorgeous, and she's just really cool. And I was trying to think about the words to describe her, and she's just so timeless. I feel like watching her is like watching someone who in 50 years you're gonna be like, wow, like and also I I feel like she could be from any era, and she would just slip right in, and you know. So um her ethnic background is her mother is Jamaican um Guyana and her dad is English. So her grandmother is from Guyana. So a little bit more about Olivia Dean. So I think in 2019 her song Okay Love You By blew up, and that's kind of what catapulted her musical career. And she came out with an album, Messi, last year, and she toured. She had a she had a North American tour, and of course I watched her live, and if I wasn't already in love with her, oh my god, in person, she just lights up the room. And you know how British people are just so funny? They're all just so fun. Oh my god. I don't under I don't really get it. They're all so funny. Yeah. Um, so she's hilarious. And yeah, so we watched her, her show, and and yeah, she's been blowing up recently too. She was at Coachella, so yeah, I feel like she's gaining a lot of traction. Yeah. I think that the world is finally seeing, like, oh my god, who who the fuck is this? Yeah. So yes. Um, so the song Carmen is a tribute to her grandmother. And her grandmother was part of the Wind Rush generation, which I didn't know anything about. And this is from Harangy London and Shabaka. Those are my those my two sources when I was looking into what the Wind Rush generation was. So basically, between 1948 and 1971, there was an influx of immigrants from the Caribbean, and they helped shape the UK completely, you know, diversified the culture and the food, and there was just so much vibrance and color uh they left in their wake. And obviously, that's not to say that they're not still struggling. Systemic racism is still very much prevalent as it is here in the US. So that's a little bit of background on the Windrush generation, very similar to our parents' and grandparents' stories of immigration. And I think that's where I felt a lot of significance here. So the song is called Carmen, named after her grandma. And whenever she performs it, she always says, Yeah, I love my grandma. I'm not, I am not going to attempt a British accent right now, especially one as beautiful as hers. But she talks about how she loves her granny so much. And at one point they shared a room together, and she's just, you know, she loves her grandma. And I knew what the song Carmen was about because I had heard it on her album, but I didn't feel as connected and moved by it until we watched her live. And I think that I should probably just play it a little bit for you. Okay. Just so that you are reminded. Yeah. I love context. God. I know. Yes. Okay, so I just played the song for Ninz. Well, I played the song and I showed her the lyrics alongside it, and then I showed her one of the carousel slides from Olivia Dean's post about performing it, and it was it was her singing the song. So when Olivia Dean introduces this song, she says this is her tribute to the Wind Rush generation and her mother, her grandmother who immigrated when she was 18. Uh, the lyrics are first time on a plane, 18 you came, you found a door and held it open. And she says, This is to every immigrant out there who made that trek. And I think there obviously there are a lot of lines in the song that that make me pretty emotional. She says, You found a door and held it open. No way to know how to make a home in someone else's motherland. You transplanted a family tree and a part of it grew into me. And later in the song, she says, You reigned over a family tree, and I'll carefully carry the seeds. And in this video, I I don't even think if you knew what it was about, because it's so upbeat, it's so lively, it's so joyful. I don't even think it you it would register that. My God, she's performing in front of thousands and thousands and thousands of people, millions of people listening all over the world, and she's singing about her grandma, and it's so, it's so beautiful that then here are these people screaming the lyrics at her, shout and there's a point in the video where she's singing, and she's it whenever I see her perform this, it it's I think it's emotional because she feels emotional, and I'm sure she's because I can read her mind, I'm sure she's like, Wow, these people who are paying this tribute to my grandmother. And she says, you know, never had your jubilee, I'll throw it for you. And that is that's the Jubilee. This is her all of this, this community all over the world celebrating this woman. Um, it just it's overwhelming.

SPEAKER_02

Like, I don't know. Yeah, when we were listening to the song, already beautiful, but you're right. It's like when you are hearing a crowd of people shout Carmen. Yeah, yeah. You're right. Like she she did what she said she would in the song.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. You know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

That's so beautiful.

SPEAKER_01

It it really is, and it's just it's such a great song, too. And she uses the the steel pan as one of the instruments, but she says it. Is a really emotional instrument for her. And so she incorporates that so beautifully. And I I think that as descendants of immigrants, we talk so much about sacrifice and how hard it was for our grandparents and parents before us to come to a country where they, you know, to uproot their entire lives. And that's, you know, that's kind of similar to what she's saying. But I don't think that we take the time to really celebrate we are here now. Like look at all this all this love that has come from your love, all this abundance that we are now basking in. And um I I attended a Zoom meeting last week. It was hosted by Vela New Orleans. It was a Palestine teach-in, and one of the speakers was someone like she's an activist, a social activist that I follow, Bianca Mabuta Louie. And I got tickets to attend the teach-in, and the premise was talking about as the AAPI community, how do we keep the momentum going for a free Palestine? And the moderator, her name was Dr. Jackie Tan. She said something so beautiful that it has been seared in my brain ever since. She said, intergenerational trauma doesn't necessarily have to be our narrative. It can be intergenerational power. And I was like, holy fuck. Again, we kind of beat it over the head a little bit, like fuck, they worked so hard. We're so, you know, obviously, we're so grateful for for everything that they did for us for bending over backwards and and giving up their lives. I don't, I don't think we we just like we don't really sit in the moment and think about like just the gratitude part and just the celebration part. It's so heavy, you know, this this burden, this intergenerational trauma that you know is passed down to us. It's so heavy. Uh sometimes it's I don't actually I don't think it's nice. I I think that it's necessary. We need to celebrate that, like honor their bravery. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I always think about I don't remember the exact quote, but the idea of wanting a better life, right? That's kind of the mindset of an immigrant. But if you expand on that, it's like they don't want a better life for themselves. When they go to this new country, they know it's gonna be hard. They know that it's gonna be a life full of struggle. They're not thinking about building a better life for them. Yeah. They're thinking about building a better life for their children. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

Spoiled children that are complaining about trauma all day long.

SPEAKER_01

You know, it is a privilege to be feeling these things. And I I think that we forget that we come from a place of such abundance and power. And no one can take that away from us. And if only we were all so beautiful and could sing as well as Olivia Dean and had that that kind of stardom to catapult that message. It is truly a tribute to all immigrants out there. Yeah. You deserve to be celebrated. Not just thanked, but truly, you know, have your Jubilee throne, given your flowers, you know. Yeah. I always think about like I'm 31.

SPEAKER_02

What was my mom doing at 31? Oh my god. You know what I mean? She was raising two kids in a country that was not her birthplace. We take it for granted. Yes. And we don't really dwell on what that really meant for them. Yes.

SPEAKER_01

And when we do, it's like, God, it was so hard for you. And we're talking about how hard it was, how hard it was, how hard it was, and not like here are the fruits of your labor. You know, enjoy the fruit, enjoy you, enjoy the fruits of your own labor.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah. Look at what you built.

SPEAKER_01

Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you, Olivia Dean. Before, when I would hear that song, I would be like, Yeah, this is sick, you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

But now I cry every time. I feel like people do that all the time when like, sick beat, you know? Cool, cool. Nice melody. No idea what it's about.

SPEAKER_01

No.

SPEAKER_02

I love that though. I love learning what songs are about. Yeah. Yeah. Because then every time you listen, you're like, the whole ass story here. The whole story.

SPEAKER_01

I love that. Yeah. So it wasn't it wasn't a good one. It wasn't a huge like a outpouring of tears. Yeah. Well, I mean, sometimes like sometimes when I hear it, if I'm on my period. Yeah. Like right now, I will I feel it a little bit more deeply. And when I was searching YouTube videos, trying to pick which one I was going to show you, the comments are like, I don't know how people don't cry every time they hear this. I don't know how she doesn't cry every time. Or it'll be like, I'm watching her hold back her tears in this performance, and I too am crying. God, it's yeah, it's so good.

SPEAKER_02

It's so beautiful. It is really beautiful. Yeah. Thanks for sharing. Because I didn't know about that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04

I love that. Yeah, me too. That's why I talked about it. Love you, Carmen. Love you, Carmen. Truly. Oh my God.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. And she's featured at the beginning and end of the song. And I and when when Olivia Dean performs it and her grandma speaks, she's standing there and she just, she'll just, she puts her hand on her and she just like closes her eyes and she you know how oftentimes I I don't know if you were like this, but I was always like kind of a little embarrassed of like parents and grandparents when you're growing up. But I mean she just sits there and she like basks in the glory of this woman.

SPEAKER_04

Wow. Yeah. So there you have it. There you have it.

SPEAKER_02

Episode three. Episode three. It was a hard one for me. Yeah. But I think I had to do it. Yeah. It was just so fresh. Yeah. And so raw.

SPEAKER_01

And I think that if you didn't do it, that in itself would be a form of masking. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I remember when we finished episode two, I was like, I don't know what to do now. What am I gonna talk about? Fuck.

SPEAKER_01

I can't wait until so we both have our lists, right?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I can't wait until I get through that list and I get to just talk about like me having a hard time putting on a false eyelash.

SPEAKER_03

You know, and like an episode's like a hundred minutes long. And it's just so honestly, there's a lot there.

SPEAKER_02

God. Um we're not here to judge. Yeah. I I think I just want to reiterate that I know that I've said this in our past two episodes. And although this one was particularly heavy, I think that our whole thesis is that there's so many different reasons to cry. And this one today just happened to be a heavy one for me. But I definitely enjoy the act of crying still. It's it is a release. It's a way for us to just tap into all sorts of emotions, whether they're heavy or lighthearted and joyful. Yeah. So if this is your first episode, um they're not always like this. They're a lot more. Again, we are not medical professionals. Not medical professionals. We are professional bullshitters, actually. So there's gonna be a lot more of that. Um, but we're also human too. So it'll just it'll be a mix of both. Yeah. But we'll find a dumbass joke in there somewhere. Catch you off guard.

SPEAKER_01

Okay. Well, thank you all for tuning in. As always, you can find us on all socials at beerbycrying.podcast. If you'd love to share a story about something that made you cry, you can submit a form on our website, beerbcrying podcast.com, or you can email us at hello at beerbcrying podcast.com. Yeah. Oh.

SPEAKER_02

I hope people submit. I would love to hear from them. Our little cry babies.

SPEAKER_04

Our cry babies. Our professional bullshitters. Join the club.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02

I guess that's it for now. Yes. We'll be back.

SPEAKER_03

We will.

SPEAKER_02

Just you wait. We'll be back. I got more shit to say, dude. Oh, Jesus Christ. Um, but until then, B or B crying.